A Skeptic's Guide To Multiplication

The all-pervading arithmeticonspiracy is perhaps best illustrated by the depths to which society has been invaded by that most irksome symbol of the One World Numeracy, the multiplication table. Every day in schools around the world, children as young as five can be found honing their sheep skills by memorizing these thoroughly meaningless matrices. This theory of multiplication has even invaded our popular culture, with the mathemagicians producing catchy cartoon jingles to indoctrinate impressionable youth.

What happens to those students who dare stray from the so-called "consensus" view? They are demonized, vilified, marked "incorrect," and in the worst cases left back a grade. Think about that for a minute. For daring to challenge authority, and asserting that there may be more than one interpretation of these so-called "times tables," students are DENIED their civil rights to continue their education.

Do you know what I call that? I call it DISCRIMINATION. It is an eggregious violation of the very founding principles of our great nation.

This handy alternate multiplication table deserves to be in every textbook and curriculum across the country. And now you can buy it on a T-shirt, mousepad, coffee mug, and many other fine products at The Math Skeptic Store!

You must DEMAND your rights as a Math Skeptic. You must DEMAND that your schools include alternate interpretations of the times table. You must DEMAND that you will no longer tolerate discrimination along computational lines.

Some fifty or perhaps ninety or even twelve years ago, a woman named Rosa Parks refused to change her bus seat in order to protest racial discrimination.

Today, you can be the Rosa Parks of mathematical discrimination.