NASA's MESSENGER Probe Celebrates Planetary-Annoyance Milestone!

Astronomists and technicians manning the MESSENGER probe are celebrating a dubious milestone today. The space probe they launched toward Mercury nearly eight years ago has now orbited the poor planet more than 1,000 times.

Those of us versed in the ways of astrology know full well that this is nothing to celebrate. It is only a matter of time before the winged planet Mercury becomes annoyed by this annoyance and decides to punish us with an asteroid or two.

The basic fact that the eggheads at NASA/Johns Hopkins University fail to understand is that some planets simply do not wish to be orbited. If Mercury wanted a moon, don't you think it would already have one?

NASA is playing with doom on this one, folks. If the world were not already scheduled for an apocalypse on December 21 of this year, I'd say our MESSENGER-meddling was a dire threat to human civilization!

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NASA Proves Einstein Right, Numeratocracy Wrong

NASA today announced the successful results of the Gravity Probe B mission, which validated Einstein's theory of General Relativity by showing that space and time are indeed warped by gravity. This result confirms what The Math Skeptic has been saying for years - that all time and distance measurements - and by extension the numbers used to make them, are inherently distorted and thus invalid.

Einstein's theory goes thusly: the Earth, like all celestial bodies, sits on a giant invisible rubber trampoline. This theory was quite revolutionary in 1916, as it displaced the previous Infinite Turtles theory from its spacetime pedestal, and has been under constant scrutiny in the century hence by IT proponents. According to General Relativity, the surface of this trampoline is distorted so much by the planet's immense mass that time and space themselves are bent into curves.

General Relativity also predicted that the rotation of the planet would also drag the frame of the trampoline around with it as it turned, much as a fat guy doing a back spin will drag the cardboard around with him as he breakdances, presumably to Herbie Hancock's "Rockit." This is known among IT² proponents (Invisible Trampoline, not to be confused with Infinite Turtle proponents) as frame-dragging.

The Gravity Probe B mission, using the most accurate gyroscopes ever made, proved both trampoline curvature and frame-dragging to be true, and that gravity distorts spacetime by 0.00183383 of a degree per year.

By extension, this means that all numbers vary by 0.00183383 per year as well, throwing all of arithmetic in doubt. That math homework you did 20 years ago is now off by 0.03667 per digit. However, if you go back to your grade school and appeal to have your grades changed (grades which also are now off by 0.03667 of a letter, incidentally), you will be mocked and ridiculed. Such is the pervasity of the arithmetic cabal.

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