This is indeed one of those moments in which it is difficult to avoid saying that I told you so.
Because the fact is that I told you so.
I have warned time and time again against the dangers of meddling with the planets of our solar system. Many a time have I cautioned against annoying the inner planets and the gas giants with our space probes and roving rovers and robotic orbiting laboratories. If the planets wanted us to meddle with them, they would have the words "Please Meddle With Me" spelled out in craters in one of the ancient languages of antiquity. And yet we persist in probing and roving and photographing them in all manner of un-flattering ways.
Well, as most of you have probably heard by now, today the probed planets have begun to protest. They have shown their annoyance in the form of a meteor exploding over Chelyabinsk, Russia, killing more than 500 people and injuring literally dozens of others.
The trajectory of this incoming doom-harbinger shows it coming from the direction of the Sun. This leads us inevitably to the inevitable conclusion that it was sent here by Mercury, no doubt in anger over the orbital atrocities committed by NASA's MESSENGER spacecraft over the past few years. It is bleedingly obvious that Mercury sent this asteroid as a warning sign of danger things to come.
Of course, Mercury is about two months too late for that sort of thing, the vast majority of the human race already having been wiped out in the December 21 apocalypse. But since space-based orbital maneuvers can take some time to accomplish, it is likely that this is just the first of a series of meteoric attacks we remaining survivors shall face in the coming weeks and years.
Our only hope now is that the astrologers can calm the inner planets' rage sufficiently that they forgive our recent orbital trans-gressions.
OH GOD THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!!! I MAY NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH THIS SENT
2:39 PM Central Standard Time
The aftershocks are strengthening now, and I'm pretty certain that they are foreshocks to THE BIG ONE
The end is coming soon. I just know it. This indestructible concrete bunker can only take so much apocalypse! One more earthquake/tornado and I am done for.
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a tearful/fearful farewell, as I will be too busy with the destruction and death when The Big One hits.
My best to all! Goodbye and farewell! I mayhaps will see you all on the other side!
1:38 PM Central Standard Time
I managed to find my flashlight and turn on the battery backup power system for my subterranean concrete bunker. We seem to be experiencing some severe but mild aftershocks now - or maybe foreshocks to The Big One.
While searching the media internets for news on the current global doomsday apocalypse, I was SHOCKED to find NOTHING!
NOTHING!
The only news about the apocalypse - a very real event that is quite actually happening all around me appears to be in the form of snarky tongue-in-cheek hit-pieces claiming that the apocalypse isn't happening!
It is quite obvious that the global media conspiracy is conspiring to cover up the apocalypse, no doubt to keep the masses from panicking.
Attention Flash to News People: We're too busy DYING of APOCALYPSE to panic!
This is shameful! SHAMEFUL! You'd think the media would quit lying to us on our last day! But regrettably it is not to be!
12:48 PM Central Standard Time
Holy Caesar's ghost, that was a terrifying half-hour or so. The shuddering and shaking and whoom-whoom noises and the distant sounds of sirens and screaming.
Horrible!
The power is out now, as are the lights. I do not know how my blog is still working, but will continue to live-blog the nightmarish events of this nightmarish day for as long as I can!
Truly this day is the end of the world, as fore-told by prophecy and pseudoscience!
12:02 AM Central Standard Time
WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN ON THE ROOF!?! I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT THE CEILING OF MY SUBTERRANEAN CONCRETE BUNKER HOLDS OR I AM DONE FOR!
11:12 AM Central Standard Time
I am still alive once again, after yet another massive earthquake. Am frantically trying to find information from the US Geological Survey on the epicenter of the earthquake and am finding nothing. Nothing! How can the government cover up an EARTHQUAKE!
I can only wonder if these catastrophic catastrophes are being specifically directed at me!!
Without my sophisticated system of surveillance cameras, I am unable to survey the damage at ground level, and I cannot leave my concrete bunker because then I will be left unprotected from doom.
So I think for now I'll just sit here and panic!
10:59 AM Central Standard Time
THE EARTH IS QUAKING AGAIN AND EVEN WORSE THAN LAST TIME OH GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE!
10:46 AM Central Standard Time
As far as I can tell, I am still alive and the structural integrity of my subterranean concrete bunker is still sound. However, the MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE of a few minutes ago dislodged my surveillance-camera and I am no longer able to view the world outside my bunker. Guess I'll be experiencing the rest of the apocalypse blind as a fruit-bat!
10:24 AM Central Standard Time
HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?
That was a MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE!
Like being inside one of those paint-shaker thingys at the Home Depot!
Things were falling off the walls and shelves and the lights flickered and there is probably some minor structural damage to my subterranean concrete bunker!
THE APOCALYPSE IS STARTING TO REALLY CALYPSE NOW I KNOW IT!
10:16 AM Central Standard Time
Still no apocalyptic or even mildly catastrophic activities going on out there thus far. I am starting to wonder - and I do hope I am not taunting the forces of irony when I say this - that thus far this apocalypse is turning out to be an apocalisn't!
09:41 AM Central Standard Time
Still nothing happening disaster-wise. My motorcycle-owning neighbor has returned from his errand-running excursion with shopping bags, so apparently the global economic and financial systems have not begun to melt down just yet.
Give it time. By the time the sun sets to-night money won't be worth the paper it is printed on.
08:37 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet again. Almost too quiet, again.
Debating whether it's too early to resume drinking.
07:19 AM Central Standard Time
False alarm! It was just my neighbor, revving up his motorcycle! Flaunting his motorcycle-owning status to taunt me, no doubt!
It is no matter. Soon he will be dead and the bike will be mine. As soon as the poisoned hailstorms hit, Dave is as gone as a goner!
07:02 AM Central Standard Time
Loud noises outside my subterranean concrete bunker! Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?!?
06:21 AM Central Standard Time
Oh no! Why did I let myself sleep so long?! I just missed five hours of panicking!
Winds outside are getting very strong. I think there may be snow and hail. The sun is supposed to be rising now, yet the sky is still dark! The proverbial stuff is about to hit the proverbial fan I know it!
01:31 AM Central Standard Time
starting to think th 7 gallons of vodka i stockpiled arnt gonna be enough. Frk.
12:44 AM Central Standard Time
Getting a little windy outside. Natural movement or air masses, or the beginning of total crustal displacement? We shall soon find out!
12:08 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet. Almost too quiet. The Mayan apocalypse will likely have a long introduction, like a Pink Floyd album. And like a Pink Floyd album, I expect it to get DANGEROUS very soon.
