Friday, December 02, 1977

Florida Students Stick It To the Math Man!

According to results of a standardized test, Floridian students excel at the three R's: Reading, wRiting, and Revolution against the arithmetica agenda! Statewide, some forty percent flunked the math portion of a statewide exam given across the state to 11th grade students across Florida. Though the test is needed to graduate, Floridian students are standing up to the mathematical masters, unshackling themselves from the chains of numeracy, and asserting their academic freedom against the one-right-answer tyrrany of answerism! Go, Florida! The Anti-Math Revolution Starts Here!

Sunday, September 18, 1977

NASA! You're Playing With DANGER!

Just a month after launching Voyager 2 on a mission to annoy the outer planets, NASA has launched the Voyager 1 space-probe to further antagonize the biggest of the gas giants, Jupiter and Saturn.

Due to arrive at Jupiter in January 1979 and Saturn in November 1980, this little probe will no doubt be an irritating annoyance to the otherwise private outer planets. As the Astrologers have been warning us for centuries - ever since a young patent clerk named Galileo turned his new "tele-scope" skyward and became the first Jovian paparazzi - the gas giants value their privacy, and do not appreciate our telescopic and robotic invasions.

And, thanks to the ingenious doings of certified brainiac Carl Sagan, we won't be able to claim innocence when the Jovian ire is enraged. The Voyager probe contains a gold record saying "Hello from Earth", complete with maps and diagrams and sounds so that the gas giants will have no doubt as to its origin.

We can only hope that the Astrologers will be able to keep the enraged outer planets at bay so that they will decide not to attack us with their asteroid arsenals.