Large Hadroners Play Peek-a-Boo With Higgs Boson

Physicists at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva have not found the alleged Higgs Boson that they've been looking for with their giant black-hole machine for the past several years. But they have found where it isn't:

Kyle Cranmer, a physicist at New York University and one of 3000 researchers working the ATLAS detector, reported that the ATLAS team had shown that the Higgs does not exist in the mass range from 155 to 190 giga-electron volts (GeV), roughly 165 to 203 times the mass of a proton. It also doesn't exist in the mass range 295 to 450 GeV, he said at the meeting. Andrey Korytov, a physicist at the University Florida, Gainesville, and one of 3600 researchers working with the CMS collaboration, reported similar results: CMS rules out the Higgs in the mass ranges 149 to 206 GeV and 300 to 440 GeV.

The scientists are fond of calling the mysterious boson "elusive," but what these particlists refuse to admit, of course, is what we Math Skeptics know instinctively: the Higgs is being hidden by time-traveling numbers from the future to make CERN use higher and higher energy levels to power their collisions until they accidentally spaghettify us all.

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