Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Scientists Officially Nuts: They're Teaching Economics to MONKEYS!

That's right, folks. Science has finally flipped its lid. It has gone off the deep end and hopped on the express train to Crazy Town.

They've started teaching economics to chimpanzees.

Disguising their devious plan as a rather innocuous-sounding study on primate generosity or something, psychologists at Emory University successfully trained two female chimps to exchange colored tokens for food.

In other words, they taught the monkeys the secret of money.

This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, it's borderline animal cruelty, exposing poor, innocent creatures to the evil of numbers like that. Secondly, it's downright dangerous. These scientists have no idea what they've unleashed.

Sure, right now it's just PVC tokens for bananas, but once these en-chimp-reneurs get a taste of the green stuff, they'll want more. And more.

And these vicious animals - with twice the strength of a human - will do anything they have to in order to get more of that sweet moolah. Racketeering, pulling people's arms off, loan sharking, subprime lending, pulling people's arms off, armed robbery, commoditizing debt obligations, pulling people's arms off, you name it.

The worst part - we can't even run to the hills to escape the coming chimpocalypse. The forests are their natural habitat! WE'RE DOOMED!!!

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