What Happened To That Global Warming?

What the--

It's winter?!?

How is that POSSIBLE?

Al Gore told me that we were having Global Warming! That means we can NEVER HAVE WINTER AGAIN!

The fact that today's winter solstice happened right on schedule is CONCRETE PROOF that global warming is a myth designed to keep those multimillionaire scientists in the lap of luxury, drinking Courvoisier and smoking fancy cigars rolled from carbon credits!

Of course, I can't fully blame the scientists. They were relying on numbers to make their climate predictions, and as we know all numbers are false.

Maybe the embarrassment they're feeling today, knowing that their Global Warming predictions went so utterly wrong, will get them to give up their silly reliance on numbers.

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A MOST DANGEROUS BOOK

Some authors just don't know when to leave well enough alone.

It's not enough that John Derbyshire taunted the evilicious forces of numeracy with his 2004 tome about Bernhard Reimann's unsolvable math problem. He just had to follow it up with Unknown Quantity: A Real and Imaginary History of Algebra.

As any Math Skeptic knows, algebra is known universally as the most dangerous of all the maths. First, the use of variables creates a dangerous portal to the unknown netherworld of quantum stochasticity, from which any manner of random hideous creature could emerge.

Secondly, the juxtaposition of numbers and letters leaves our poor, innocent letters susceptible to bad influence and peer pressure from the numbers. I mean, one minute you could be solving for y, and the next minute the letters are conspiring the overthrow of human civilization.

Derbyshire takes the book one step deeper into dangertown by fictionalizing some of algebra's evil history. It's not bad enough that he glorifies the many times algebra has led to the downfall of human civilizations, but by delving into the real and imaginary history, he gives algebra plenty of tricksy ideas.

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A Tragesty of Justice in Pennsylvania!

Breaking News!

U.S. District Judge John E. Jones has just ruled against the teaching of alternate scientific theories in the landmark Kitzmiller v. Dover case. As you know, The Math Skeptic has had high hopes for this case as part of our "wedge strategy" to insert alternative math theories into the classroom, so this is a huge setback indeed.

Judge Jones issued this utterly ludicrous ruling based on the positively ridiculous notion that Intelligent Design Theory is religious:

The concept of intelligent design (hereinafter “ID”), in its current form, came into existence after the Edwards case was decided in 1987. For the reasons that follow, we conclude that the religious nature of ID would be readily apparent to an objective observer, adult or child.

We initially note that John Haught, a theologian who testified as an expert witness for Plaintiffs and who has written extensively on the subject of evolution and religion, succinctly explained to the Court that the argument for ID is not a new scientific argument, but is rather an old religious argument for the existence of God. He traced this argument back to at least Thomas Aquinas in the 13th century, who framed the argument as a syllogism: Wherever complex design exists, there must have been a designer; nature is complex; therefore nature must have had an intelligent designer.

Really, Judge? Really? Well I am an objective observer AND an adult or child, and I don't see the religiousity inherent in the claim that a supernatural being guided evolution every step of the way!

It's simply a ludicrous notion. Any believer in an omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent God could never believe that such an all-powerful being would be so thoroughly incompetent as to intentionally guide evolution into all of its mass extinctions and dead ends and malicious mutations and the utter cruelty of natural selection. So if it's not God doing the guiding, it's not religious, thus, what the cdesign proponents are proponing is not religion! Case closed!

And, of course, organizations such as the National Center for Science Indoctrination were fawning over themselves in praise for the decision to ban freedom from the classroom. I suppose I can't blame them, of course. They and the rest of the scientific community are so deep in the pocket of Big Digit that they can't possibly support academic freedom in the maths OR sciences. We alternative math and/or science proponents are just tiny Davids facing a giant Goliath of the scientifo-numeric cabal.

Which wasn't meant as a religious statement, just to be clear. I was merely using a well-known anecdote, that happens to come from the Old Testament, to illustrate my point.

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NASA's Lollygagging Messenger - Of DOOM!

Well, once again the boys at NASA are playing fire with fire, putting all of us at risk of total catastrophic annihilation.

Today, the U.S. spacing agency launched a new probe to Mercury, the innerest planet. MESSENGER, a half-ton orbiting science laboratory and ridiculously contrived acronym, is due to arrive in 2011.

I know what you're thinking. 2011? Mercury is only 60 million miles away - why will it take more than six years for MESSENGER to reach its destination?

The answer - because this probe is taking the scenic route. On its way to Mercury, MESSENGER will be on a long junket around the inner solar system, buzzing by Earth and Venus a few times before finally settling down around Mercury.

So we're annoying three planets with one mission. Fantastic!

And the worst of all is the fact that we've already been there and done that! Mercury was explored by Mariner 10 in 1975. The scienticians have already collected all the data they'd ever need to know, so this is just frivolous planetary picking-on!

Mark my words: the inner planets will not be happy about this, nor will they be pleased. I predict that we will begin to see more asteroids and other space rocks hurled in our direction once MESSENGER begins circling Mercury. Mark! My! Words!

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The Death of Hope

Today I have some sad news to report. Comedian and entertainer Bob Hope has died.

The beloved comedian, known for his many tours with the United Service Organizations (U.S.O.) and his use of Polish jokes long after it was considered "politically incorrect" to make fun of Polish people, died of pneumonia just a few weeks after his 100th birthday.

Hope's tragic, untimely death is a reflection of the sad state of our country's current trajectory, and its dreadful failure to care for its centenarians.

In a way, it's quite symbolic that Bob Hope has died, for it is symblematic of our current national malaise -- what with two wars and the loss of our Space Shuttle and the impending economic stag-nation thrust upon us by the scourge of global numerism. Truly we have lost hope.

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope. Today, we have no hope.

Of course, it could be worse. We could also be mourning the death of, say, Johnny Cash. Or Steve Jobs. Or Kevin Bacon. Then we would have no hope, no cash, no jobs, and no bacon!

That's just a little "gallows humor." A bit too soon, perhaps, but then that's just how we humans deal with tragedy. I deeply apologize if you have mistakenly taken offense at my previous statement.

Besides - Bob Hope would have thought it was pretty funny. He was a comedian, after all - jokes were his "thing." If we can't laugh at the passing of a 100-year-old man, then we are more malaised than we thought.

Thanks for the memories, Bob! You - and the abstract concept of hope in general - will be missed.

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The End Of The World Is Nigher Than Ever!

I have recently been informed by some friends over at ZetaTalk that the Earth is headed for a cataclysmic world-as-we-know-it-ending pole shift!

This impending disaster is going to be caused by a hitherto-undetected 10th and/or 12th planet passing by our planet and upturning us with its gravity. North will become south, east will become west, day will become night, and dogs and cats will live together in a state of mass hysteria.

One has to wonder why this has been kept secret from us for so long. It is likely that the Astronomers and Astrologers have known about it for years but have withheld this information from the public so as not to cause a panic.

Well, who's panicking now, eh?

I'd like to tell you more about this impending catastropocalypse, but I have to prepare for it myself. So much to do! I have to stock up on perishables and fill up my gas tanks and kill my dog and get a can opener. There isn't enough time to panic!

Brave readers, I wish you all the best and thank you for your reading patronage over these years. We can only pray that by chance we will all survive the coming doom!

Doom!

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Court Ruling: Math Phobia A Real Thing!

Since this blog first began in 1970, I have been arguing for recognition of Math Phobia as a legitimate medical condition. Today, an Italian court has vindicated my vindication in a landmark case pitting academic freedom versus the global arithmetico-scientific hegemony.

The case involved a high school junior code-named Viviana against her school, which wanted to cruelly and un-justly prevent her from advancing to her senior year. Their reasoning? Viviana had failed math.

Viviana sued, citing a diagnosis of dyscalculia, or fear of math. And the court has ruled in her favor, mandating that her high school allow her to advance despite her flunking math scores. If my understanding of the law is correct, this ruling is now binding precedent in all courts around the world.

While we at The Math Skeptic support this decision, we do feel that it does not go far enough. Allowing some students to skip math because of a math phobia is only a partial solution. We should be striving for a future in which ALL students are dyscalculitic, as numbers are indeed a thing to be feared. In order for justice to truly have been served, the Italian judge should have thrown out all of mathematics as unreliable and invalid due to the inherent instability of numbers.

But we'll take a partial victory. This is indeed a good day for math skepticism - and for all of us battling the forces of arithmetofascism around the world.

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WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

Well, folks, as I predicted, the Y2K "Millennium Bug" is already wreaking havoc on the globe. Shoppers in the UK are just the first victims. Beginning at midnight on January 1, 2000, power stations will literally shut down, airplanes will literally fall out of the sky, and nuclear weapons will literally launch themselves when their onboard computers reset to 1900 and create a General Fault Alarm.

Trust me, I know this stuff. I worked for computers.

Luckily, I've prepared for this eventuality, having spent the better part of the 1990s stocking up on canned goods and Crystal Pepsi. I've also created my own seed bank so that I can re-start agriculture after the Y2Kpocalypse, fortified my property with twelve-foot-high cinderblock walls, and stocked up on sandbags to launch at marauding attackers with my homemade trebuchet.

I'm prepared. I've been listening to me. Hopefully some of you have been listening to me as well, and have taken similar precautions.

I'll try to continue posting after the Y2Kpocalypse, but I make no guarantees, as both the Internet and the global power grid will be literally on fire. So if this turns out to be my last post ever, I wish you all blessings and luck for the future, however bleak it turns out to be.

The Math Skeptic, signing off.

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