Friday, July 15, 2011

Comet Elenin Update: We're Probably Still Doomed

Mad Astronomer Leonid Elenin continues unabated in his effort to convince the concerned public that his top-secret long-period space-based weapon of mass destruction is merely a harmless comet. Together with his evil sidekick Trent Reznor, Elenin has brought NASA, the U.S. Navy, the European Space Agency, and Roscosmos to their collective knees with his threat of global annihilation.

In a recent blog post, Elenin proudly announces that the Navy's Sun Earth Connection Coronal and Heliospheric Investigation (SECCHI) has capitulated to his demands, and will roll their STEREO spacecraft from their current Sun-orbiting positions - critical for warning us when we have angered our solar mother and she is slapping us with a solar flare - to observe his C/2010 X1 space weapon as it buzzes the Earth in September and destroys Norway with its Tesla death rays.

The Tesla death ray aboard this eccentrically-orbiting space station has already been used to create numerous earthquakes around the world since December 2010. We know this because the "comet" was discovered in December 2010 and there have been multiple earthquakes since then. Thus, by the scientific law of Correlation = Causation, the only logical conclusion is that the onboard Tesla coil has been zapping the Earth from beyond the main Asteroid Belt and shifting tectonic plates, with catastrophic results.

We can only hope that this astronomical madman will be stopped before he unleashes his tectonic power on Norway, and the fjords are destroyed forever.

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