Saturday, September 24, 2011

Math Teacher's Victory Garden: A Sign of Impending Doom?

A frightening piece of Internet came to my attention across the Internet tubes this evening. After a lengthy and dramatic courtroom drama, the hilariously-named Shelby County Environmental Court Judge Larry Potter has, with a wave of his judicial wand, permitted Memphis-area math teacher Adam Guerrero to keep the urban garden he'd built in his front yard, despite complaints from his neighbors.

This would seem like a simple case of neighbor versus neighbor. Except for one key detail.

Adam Guerrero is a math teacher.

Why has a math teacher - someone who is in daily contact with the numbers - suddenly decided to grow a vegetable garden on his property, when vegetables and vegetable by-products are readily available in supermarkets nationwide?

It's obvious that Mr. Guerrero knows something we don't. He must be privy to some secret information about the coming numeropocalypse and is growing an emergency garden as a survival strategy. Indeed, it's likely that this mathematical indoctrinator has already chosen to side with the numbers in their ongoing war with humanity, persuading them to spare his life during their systematic out-wiping of us all.

This is the only logical explanation.

And he would've gotten away with it, too, if not for the bravery of his also hilariously-named neighbor, Levi Dowdy, who reported Guerrero to local environmental authorities for the heinous crimes of urban blight and species treason. And the authorities - specifically, Judge Larry Potter - have apparently spent too much time dabbling in the dark arts to make a sensible decision.

Or, more likely, Judge Potter is already in the pocket of Big Digit. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that Judge Larry Potter is so influenced by the numbers that his Patronus Charm is a THREE.

This victory for Adam Guerrero's garden may be a small battle won for the numbers, but I'm confident that we humans will prevail eventually. All we need are more brave, right-thinking men like Levi Dowdy to keep fighting these small fights against the numerist conspiracy.

Indeed, we may have lost the victory garden, but we will win the war!

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