Innocent children all over the sleepy Long Island village of New Hyde Park are being indoctrinated with numbers and/or invaded by Chinese invaders. According to a deep-undercover investigative report in today's edition of The Island Now, children as young as kindergarten age are being taught to use an abacus to learn calculations. terra cotta armies and giant stone walls to protect themselves from Mongol hordes!
It's not bad enough we have to indoctrinate these poor New Hyde Parkial children by forcing them to learn math in the first place. But these educationalist bead-counters are making them do it on ancient Chinese technology. Disguising themselves with the innocent-sounding name "ALOHA Mind Math," a band of global mindwashers are spreading the gospel of Abacusism on our very own shores! If you are not outraged, you should be. At the very least, you need your outrage sensors adjusted. For this is indeed an outrage.Now I know what you're saying. "The Math Skeptic," you're saying, "aren't you just making a slippery slope argument?"
To which I say "of course!" For without slippery slope arguments, my blog would be a bunch of random prepositions on an orange background.
Neverthenoneless, my point to all this is that it is imbundingly clear that the numbers and the Ancient Han Dynasty are in cohoots, and sending their time-travelling invaders to destroy us with suànpáns of doom. It all makes sense, of course - who do you think taught them gunpowder and calculus?
So for the sake of humanity, we must resist this encroaching abacusification of our youth before this beaded menace destroys all that is left of our humanity.