The Coca-Cola People Are Trying to Kill and/or Enslave Us!

I just got back from a trip to my corner delica-tessen and found that my beloved Coca-Cola soft drink has been replaced by a horrible monster.

For some infathomable reason unknown to all and sundry, The Coca-Cola Company has decided to change the beloved formula of their beloved soft drink for the first time since 1888. 1888!

The markety-advertising types who market-analyze these sort of things will probably tell you that this is the product of taste-tests and focus-groups and sur-veys and what-not. But I'm not buying it! I believe something more sinisterer is going on here.

This so-called "New Coke" must be a front for some dastardly plan. It's the only logical explanation. Who knows what sort of mind-control juice and/or toxic poison could be lurking in this new "formula?"

My theory - the Coca-Cola Company has been infiltrated by communists and/or computers and they are using this new formula to push their agenda of socialized medicine and/or killing us all. This change in formula is, I am absolutely convinced, the first step in a larger plan to destroy America and/or humanity.

Sure, some doubters will doubt me. I don't blame them. But mark you my words, proof will come. I predict herein that The Coca-Cola Company will employ some sort of Communist and/or computer-generated "spokesperson" to push this product in the near future.

This I Have Pre-dicted!

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WHERE'S THE BEEF?

And by "Where's The Beef", of course, I mean, "Where's The Birth Certificates?"

Mr. President, Ambassador Mondale:

I, The Math Skeptic, a humble voter and citizen of these here United States, need to see your identificaton. The security of our planet is in grave danger, what with the ongoing threats of Communism, Pac-Man ghosts, popular music, and alien invasion.

We, the people, need to be absolutely certain when we pull that lever or punch that card or drop our ballots in that slot that we're voting for a 100% human President.

So I ask you, as I have for the last few elections, to please make public your birth certificates so we may be assured of your homo sapienity.

Cordially,
The Math "Where's The Beef" Skeptic

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Expeditious Propaganda!

The book shelves of our neighborhood book stores are notoriously repletitious with books promoting the numero-mathematical propagandic agenda. Gerald W. Kelly's latest tome, Short-Cut Math is a new addition to this dubious genre, and does not fail to disappoint in its service to Kelly's arithmeto-numerist masters.

These so-called "short-cuts" to solving "problems" of addition, subtraction, division, and other numeristical constructs are nothing more than arithmetical obfuscation intended to keep us from seeing whatever it is the numbers are actually up to.

If this book is successful, the numbers and their arithemetist allies will be able to operate carte blanchely in affecting the downfall of human civilization without any human scrutiny. This is indeed a dangerous trend indeed, and I hope Mr. Kelly knows just how much he has put all of humanity at risk with this hideously irresponsible public-ation!

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Students Defeat Numbers on Standardized Test

In the ongoing war between humans and numbers, it seems as though we are hopelessly outmatched. After all - there are only four billion of us versus an infinite number of numbers.

Every now and then, however, we humans triumph.

Now is one of those thens. Three students taking the Scholastic Aptitude Test, or S.A.T., have uncovered a numerist conspiracy to throw all of secondary and collegiate education into utter disarray by rendering this standard collegiate admissions exam thoroughly unreliable, putting millions of university diplomas at risk.

The plot was discovered when the students, attempting to answer a geometric problem on the S.A.T., realized that the correct answer was none of the above.

Of course, the numero-conspiracists at the College Board were quick to cover up for their arithmetical masters, literally falling on their own swords by claiming responsibility for the mistake.

"It was a human error," said Barrie Kelly, the College Board's executive director of communication.

Right, Mr. Kelly. "Human error." As if the inherent fallibility of numbers had nothing what-so-ever to do with it.

Shame on the College Board for siding with the numbers in their ongoing battle against humanity, and praise for the courageous students who uncovered this nefarious scheme!

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MY PREDICTION WAS CORRECT!

Two days ago, I predicted that the syzygy between the nine planets and the undiscovered Comet Elenin would cause a Magnitude 6 earthquake in the Sumbawa Island region of Indonesia.

Sometimes I hate to be right, and this is one of those times. Sumbawa Island was rocked by a Magnitude 6.4 earthquake today.

I only hope that my warning was down-loaded from this ARPAnet node and telegraphed to Indonesia in time to warn the poor Sumbawese about the impending quake.

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WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! (SYZYGY EDITION)

I don't mean to alarm any of you, but I've just learned something alarming!

On March 10 - tomorrow - our solar system is about to become perilously unbalanced!

All of the nine planets - and a yet-to-be discovered comet named C/2010 X1 (Elenin) - are going to line up on one side of the Sun. The resulting disbalancement can and will be catastrophic for our planet! See for yourself by viewing the attached "graphic" image file (I apologize in advance for its size, and realize that it will take several hours to download over a 2600-baud modem, but this is important!)

As you can see, the planets and undiscovered comet are all on the same side of the Sun, a most dangerous form of syzygy. According to Dr. John Gribbin, author of The Jupiter Effect, the effects of this inbalanced gravity on our planet will be a veritable smorgasbord of natural disasters. Hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, you name it - one of these will happen tomorrow.

My prediction - and mind you, I could be wrong, as I tend to make my natural disaster predictions while drunk on grain alcohol and Clamato - is that there will be Magnitude 6 earthquake somewhere on our planet in the next 48 hours. Though I cannot say where with absolute certainty, my mind's eye is being drawn to Indonesia. Specifically, the Sumbawa Island region.

I could be wrong. I hope I am. But if not, I do hope the good people of Sumbawa will heed my warning and take cover!

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The Numbers Are About To Invade Our Homes!

Dangerous things are afoot, my friends. Dangerous!

At this year's Winter Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, technologist supergiants Commodore Business Machines introduced their new tool for infiltrating every American home in the United States with numerist indoctrination. They call this insidious little device the Commodore 64.

This "personal computer," as they like to call it, comes equipped with a whopping 65,536 bytes of random-access memory, or "RAM" as they like to call it. This is a ridiculous amount of computing power to put in the hands of the lay public. Worse, each and every one of those bytes will be filled with - guess what? - a number! Unsuspecting families all across this great land will have over 65 thousand numbers in their houses, available to randomly-access themselves at will!

There is, however, some good news. The rather pricey $595 sticker price of this Commodore 64 "personal computer" should keep it out of range of most families. Frankly, I don't see anybody buying this thing. My prediction -- Commodore Business Machines will sell a few thousand of these, tops. Tops!

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A Tragesty of Justice in Arkansas!

U.S. District Court Judge William R. Overton has just handed down a whopper of a decision in a case that is surely to be known as the Trial Of The Century. For Arkansas.

As of now, the Arkansian Act 590, which required the balanced treatment of evolutionism and creationism in Arkansas public schools, is hereby deemed unconstitutional for violating the First Amendment's "establishment-clause", whatever the heck that is!

While this is a blow for academic freedom - and freedom in general, it's no reason for we in the alternative science community to despair. The case of McLean v. Arkansas only impacts Arkansas, after all, so we still have 49 potentially free states left in the union!

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