We Must Not Allow A Shuttlecock Gap!

During my recent vacation from the blogosphere, I came very close to forgetting the problems of the world - economic collapse, astrological terrorism, the coming global superpocalypse of 2012, and the rise of the soon-to-be-former former Soviet Union. Then this terrifying video came to my attention, and I had to return from my vacation a few days early.

Prepare to be shocked, because this video is shocking!

As any fool can plainly see, Soviet President Dmitri Medvedev is extolling the virtues of badminton whilst engaging in a heated match against his arch frenemy, Soviet Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. While some international commentationists have dismissed this video cockery as part of the so-called bromance between sometime rivals Medvedev and Putin, but I see something rather sinister in this bit of KGB cock-play.

It is abundingly clear that Medvedev's display of shuttlecockery is nothing less than a set of marching orders to deep-underground spies and saboteurs across Russia and around the world, signaling the time when the Soviet Union will rise again and conquer the world - through badminton. And we in the United States, I fear, may not be up to the challenge.

This is of course, not to impugn the valiant efforts of our cockfighters on the front lines, brave men and women such as Howard Bach and Tony Gunawan and Eva Lee and Halim Haryanto Ho and Cee Ketpura. They will, I am sure, fight the oncoming Red Badminton Menace with the grace and skill we have come to expect from Team USA. But if my sources are correct and the Soviets are raising an entire army of Badmintonistas, I fear that our brave young men and women will be totally outnumbered.

That is, unless we close the Shuttlecock Gap. It is thus the patriotic duty of every American to set up a badminton net and get yourself some rackets and shuttlecocks and begin immediately training in the so-called "sport of cocks." If you don't improve your strokes, shots, and smash serves, you are a threat to national security.

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