Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Numbers That Stole Christmas!

Around this time of the year, the pro-Christmas faction of conservatism and the anti-Christmas faction of liberalism engage in the annual holiday ritual known as the War on Christmas.

This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.

However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry.

Allegedly created by "festive maths students" from the University of Sheffield, this so-called "Treegonometry" is a mathematical formula for optimizing Christmas tree decoration. They have even provided a "handy" "calculator" allowing unsuspecting civilians to calculate the optimal number of "baubles" and "lights" for their tree.

AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!

This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.

I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.

The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.

Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.


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