Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Plants Have Sided With The Numbers! (DOOM)

I don't normally read British news. In fact, one could say that I don't approve of the British, what with their left-side drivingness and blatant misuse of U's. But today I happened to stumble internetarily onto an article on the BBC News that literally frightened me to doom!

The numbers, not content with having vanquished the entire animal kingdom by driving its most important species (us) to near extinction in last December's apocalypse, are now turning their evil attentions onto the plant kingdom!

That's right. The plants are doing math.

British scientists studying the aptly-named Arabidopsis thaliana plant have found that it uses arithmetic to calculate the amount of starch it needs to metabolize overnight or something or other. I didn't really read the article, as I was too busy panicking to concentrate.

Besides my usual sentiments of fear, panic, and abject terror, I am also finding myself reacting to this story with a sense of utter betrayal. How could the plants do this to me?

Especially since I have recently befriended one of their kingdomkind!

Yes, in these sad, lonely months since the extinction of the vast majority of the human race, I have adopted a small leafy house-plant of the green and leafy variety to keep me company. I have watered it and given it dirt and table scraps as any good plant-parent would.

And this is how the plantar kingdom chooses to repay me. By siding with the numbers.

Most of all, I blame the damned environ-mentalists! Those tree-hugging hippie tree-huggers have no doubt inflated the plants' egos with their talk of flower power and tree huggability! Now the plants are seizing on our moment of near-extinction to literally take over the world.

I do not know how much more doom I can with-stand!

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