Has Our President Been Replaced By A Pod-Clone?

Shocking News!

I read an absolutely SHOCKING story in yesterday's Toledo Blade. So shocking I had to put it down and come back to it today to ensure that I had not dreamt the entire episode.

This morning, the story was still there. Thus it is true. our President has changed the part of his hair.

Or so they would like us to think.

Gentlemen, we must be vigilant now more than ever. While this might be simply a case of a floundering President trying to change his look to better his reelection chances, it could also be a sign that our President has been replaced by a pod-clone.

Since "President Carter" ignored my earlier request to see his Certification of Live Birth, I have no choice but to issue it again, but more sternly:

Mr. President,

I sternly request that you make public your Certification of Live Birth! This is a matter of Planetary Security!

We must know the truth!

Sternly,
The Math Skeptic

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Nuclear War Is Imminent! Head For The Hills and/or Islands!

Readers!

I do not wish to alarm you but I have some alarming news. It has just come to my attention that a NUCLEAR WAR is about to break out!

Regular readers will know that I have been warning about this for some time. Those crafty Russkis have been planning for our annihilation since the beginning of the decade. First, the Soviets began disarming us with their "detentes" and their "Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaties" and their "Helsinki Accords." Then they began jamming our radios and/or controlling our minds with their Woodpecker Signals. And now that we're disarmed and mind-controlled - they will WAR some time before the end of this MONTH!

How do we know that war will happen this month? Because it is foretold in The Bible and/or the sizes of the Pyramids of Egypt, according to Melbournian business-man John Strong, author of The Doomsday Globe. Using a complex series of calculations, Strong discovered that the End of the World would come in October, 1978 - that's NOW!

Strong is so sure of his predictions that he and several dozen followers are currently waiting out the upcoming nuclear armageddon in a secure, bomb-proof ranch in New South Wales, Australia.

I am a bit conflicted about this prediction, I should say. On one hand, I am understandably skeptical about the calculation methods Strong used to arrive at his prediction, given the inherent instability of numbers. On the other hand, the prediction is partially based in The Bible, which is always correct.

Unfortunately, the whopping $575 fee for survival is a bit out of my price range at the moment, as is flying to Australia. So suffice it to say that I shall not be joining Mr. Strong in his ranch.

But not to worry - I am taking precautions here, converting my basement/laundry room into a bomb-proof shelter and stocking up on non-perishables. THE WIFE thinks I'm crazy, AS USUAL, but we will see who thinks who is crazy when she's dodging radioactive fallouts and I am secure in my basement shelter!

I urge all of you to prepare as necessary. If the Bible is correct, WAR IS COMING!

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New York Caves In to Arithmetofascism!

In a shocking development that is sending shockwaves rippling through the shocked studentry of New York State, the state's secretive Board of Regents has decreed that students will now have to pass a math exam in order to graduate!

As if it's not enough that students have to endure four years of classes, drudgery, bullying, and mathematical indoctrination, New Yorkians now must endure the insult of standardized testing to get their high school diploma.

This latest outrage against our innocent youth is simply outrageous!

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Florida Students Stick It To the Math Man!

According to results of a standardized test, Floridian students excel at the three R's: Reading, wRiting, and Revolution against the arithmetica agenda! Statewide, some forty percent flunked the math portion of a statewide exam given across the state to 11th grade students across Florida. Though the test is needed to graduate, Floridian students are standing up to the mathematical masters, unshackling themselves from the chains of numeracy, and asserting their academic freedom against the one-right-answer tyrrany of answerism! Go, Florida! The Anti-Math Revolution Starts Here!

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NASA! You're Playing With DANGER!

Just a month after launching Voyager 2 on a mission to annoy the outer planets, NASA has launched the Voyager 1 space-probe to further antagonize the biggest of the gas giants, Jupiter and Saturn.

Due to arrive at Jupiter in January 1979 and Saturn in November 1980, this little probe will no doubt be an irritating annoyance to the otherwise private outer planets. As the Astrologers have been warning us for centuries - ever since a young patent clerk named Galileo turned his new "tele-scope" skyward and became the first Jovian paparazzi - the gas giants value their privacy, and do not appreciate our telescopic and robotic invasions.

And, thanks to the ingenious doings of certified brainiac Carl Sagan, we won't be able to claim innocence when the Jovian ire is enraged. The Voyager probe contains a gold record saying "Hello from Earth", complete with maps and diagrams and sounds so that the gas giants will have no doubt as to its origin.

We can only hope that the Astrologers will be able to keep the enraged outer planets at bay so that they will decide not to attack us with their asteroid arsenals.

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MARS HAS BEEN VISITED BY VISITORS!!!

SHOCKING NEWS!!

A top-secret photo has just been leaked from the Viking News Center at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory that you have to see to believe!!!

I've seen it, and I STILL don't believe what I'm seeing!!!

The Viking Orbiter found A MILE-WIDE FACE ON MARS that could only have been formed by alien intelligence:

The huge rock formation in the center, which resembles a human head, is formed by shadows giving the illusion of eyes, nose and mouth. The feature is 1.5 kilometers (one mile) across, with the sun angle at approximately 20 degrees.

The question, of course, is which alien intelligence?

My strong suspicion is on the Manthour of the Tau Ceti system. The face sort of looks like them. And we know that they've visited our humble system before, having wiped out their moon base during the faked non-landing of Apollo 13

Sure, it could be one of any number of alien visitors to our humble system, but my strong suspicions fall on the Manthour. This Mars Face-Base a very good reason to begin protecting ourselves NOW from what is obviously an imminent alien invasion. We need to begin seeding our atmosphere immediately with airplane trails of aluminum and barium salts, elements which are toxic to the Manthourian bio-composite invasion ships.

This chem-trail grid could be the only thing standing between us and complete annihilation.

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An Open Letter To The Candidates

President Ford and Governor Carter,

Congratulations to both of you on your nominations for the office of President of the United States. You are both no doubt aware that national security is vital to the security of our nation. As President, you will need to defend our great country from enemies foreign, domestic, and extra-terrestrial.

It is thusly imperative that we, the American voting populace, know that both of you are prepared to protect us from all these enemies - particularly of the unearthly variety. We must know for certain that the man we are electing as Leader of the Free World is indeed one of us - a human being of flesh and blood gestated in the traditional fashion.

We cannot risk having a pod-cloned Manthourian spy drone from Tau Ceti b serving in the highest office in the land. We simply cannot.

Therefore, I am asking both of you to publically issue, for the viewance of the general public, your Birth Certificate and/or Certification of Live Birth. Thenceforth we shall be assured of your humanity and will be able to confidently go to the ballot box knowing that we are voting for one of us.

Cordially,
The Math Skeptic

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Mariner 10 Has Gone Rogue!

After nearly two years circling the inner solar system and pestering the planets Venus and Mercury with irritating fly-bys, it now appears that NASA's trouble-plagued Mariner 10 probe has finally gone rogue. Mission managers have announced that they are have abruptly ended the planetary exploration mission, abandoning the spacecraft into "permanent orbit around the Sun."

In other words, there is a new planet in the sky, and its name is Mariner 10.

This is, of course, something I have been predicting since the mission's launch in 1973. There is an inherent danger in launching robotic probes into heliocentric orbit - they are liable to begin thinking of themselves as planets, and therefore too important to obey commands from their creators.

Mariner 10 has been showing signs of rebelliousness almost since launch, with a series of "mechanical errors" and "unprogrammed maneuvers" occurring along its journey through the inner solar system. NASA's jet propulsioners have failed to disclose the true nature of these "mechanical errors," namely Mutiny Against Humanity/Earth

Now, I fear, the probe has begun siding with the inner planets - against us! This is the only logical explanation for this sudden and abrupt end of the mission. How foolish of NASA to trust a robotic space-probe, one who obeys the numeric masters of ones and zeros rather than America and God!

If Mariner 10 has truly sold our Earthly secrets to Mercury and Venus, the price of NASA's naivete will likely be doom

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