Astronomer: Arriving Comet Likely Harboring Alien Invaders!!!

Shocking revelations cherry-picked from an essay by astronomer Alan "Skipper" Hale, co-discoverer of the soon-to-be-perihelioning Comet C/1995 O1 (Hale-Bopp), reveal that the comet may indeed be either a concrete sign of the prophesied end-times and/or a disguise for a fleet of invading alien space frigates!

In an essay in this month's Skeptical Inquirer, Dr. Hale readily admits that, "...Hale-Bopp is some kind of alien 'mother ship' or, at the very least, is 'under intelligent control.'" In a related essay, he adds that "there are few people in the world who are better prepared than I am to meet with an alien race," evidence that the astronomer and wayward ship captain is already in contact with the invaders.

In another chilling passage, he surmises that, "...Hale-Bopp could be one of the 'signs of the end times' as foretold in several New Testament prophecies."

In typical NASA coverup fashion, Dr. Hale later uses the tried-and-true alarmism-denialist tactic of "logical explanation" to dismiss his earlier claims, citing "scientific illiteracy" as the reason amateur comet-watchers with no astronomy experience are clearly seeing alien spacecraft in the comet's wake:

This whole phenomenon of "Hale-Bopp madness" strikes me as a glaring example of the scientific illiteracy that pervades our society and that has been addressed many times in the pages of this magazine and so eloquently by Carl Sagan in The Demon-Haunted World. The numerous scientific and technological challenges that our society will be faced with during the years and decades ahead are too important and too complex to be adequately met and dealt with by a population that cannot distinguish between legitimate science and the pseudoscience that is so prevalent now.

Okay, there, Skipper. "learn science." That's a nice idea. But how is learning science going to protect our planet from imminent alien invasion?

I fear it may be too late, with perihelion approaching in a few days. My suggestion to my readers: pack your bags, gather some canned goods, put your sneakers on, and head for the hills until the invasion is over. Hopefully the aliens will not notice us while they're conscripting humans to work in their deuterium mines and seedy alien nightclubs.

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Wow! 25 Years Already?

Today is a red-letter day in history.

Not because it is Pi Day. That is a manufactured non-holiday forced upon the masses by the global arithmeto-governmental cabal.

No. Today is the 25th anniversary of the first B.L.O.G. post from The Math Skeptic. What started out as a humble ARPANET node is now THE top gopher site on the new Inter-net for Math Skepticism. And I, for one, could not be prouder.

To all my loyal readers downloading these articles via Kermit and viewing them on VI or their preferred text editor of choice, I thank you!

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Happy Rapture Day Again!

I do hope each and every one of you is wearing his and/or her Wednesday Best today, for today is a special day!

Today is the day in which you will be raptured! According to prophet and spiritual leader Bang ik-Ha of Spokane, Washington and/or Korea, today is the day of the Rapture when all good God-believing people will be whisked into the Heaven like swooping cranes. Since I know for a fact that all of my readers are good God-believers, I can safely assume that this will include each and every one of you.

However - now is not the time to contract "senioritis" - or, more apt-ly, "rapture-itis." There are some important safety tips you must keep in mind as the rapturing-hour (12:00) approaches. Even though you will no longer have a need for your corporeal body as of noon o'clock, there are other non-saved heathens who may be depending on your body to be doing a thing at the time it is raptured, in which case its sudden transfiguration will be dangerous or even inconvenient. To prevent post-raptural misfortune, I hereby present the following Rapture Safety Tips:

Important Safety Tips For The Soon-To-Be-Raptured

• If you regularly drive a car, do not be driving a car at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly drive a bus, do not be driving a bus at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly drive a train, do not be driving a train at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly pilot an airplane and/or helicopter, do not be piloting an airplane and/or helicopter at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly operate heavy machinery, do not be operating heavy machinery at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly smoke cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia, do not be smoking cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly work with radioactive materials, do not be working with radioactive materials at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you do not regularly drive, pilot, operate, or radioact any of the above, please do not be doing any of the above at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.

Now I know what you're thinking. "I'm going to Heaven -- why should I care what happens to the un-saved heathens once I'm gone?"

However, this is known as a Cosmic Trick Question. By putting others at risk of harm from your sudden lack of corporeal existence, you may be negating the very selflessness that got you on the Rapture list in the first place. My suggestion - stay home, don't smoke, and wait it out.

If you really want to be creative, you could try going to the roof of a moderately-tall building and jumping off a few seconds prior to noon. The sudden mid-air disappearance of your corporeal body might just prompt a few additional conversions among the crowd below as your bodyless articles of clothing flutter to the ground. Warning: Do not attempt unless you are really Christian or it will not work.

Well, that should cover the basic Rapture Day safety tips. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, readers!

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Will The Real Human Candidates Please Stand Up?

Candidates:
We have reached the point in the campaign season when I make my impassioned plea on my gopher site to see the birth certifications of the candidates. Been doing it for almost a decade now with no success, but I hope this time my plea will be heeded.

Gentlemen, we live in dangerous times. Aliens from multiple worlds are anxiously awaiting the first opportunity to invade and enslave our planet, possibly by installing a pod-clone or android in the White House.

Not to alarm you all, but I have strong reason to suspect that one of you is such an android and/or pod clone. In the interest of fairness, I won't say which.

Oh, never mind fairness. It's Perot, ok? I'm pretty sure he's an android. Just look at the guy!

I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'll be proven wrong. Prove me wrong, candidates - show me your birth certificates.

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Voyager 1 Annoys The Planets One Last Time

The notorious interplanetary paparazzo Voyager 1, which has been antagonizing the outer solar system since its launch in September 1977, has been commanded by NASA managers to snap one last series of unauthorized candids of our poor solar system.

Capitulating to the demands of legendary planet-botherer Carl Sagan, NASA ordered the space probe to turn sunward and take a series of sixty photos of the Sun and planets, from a distance of some 4 billion miles. The patently offensive resulting photo not only captures the sun and gas giants unawarely, but portrays our Earth - the most important planet in the world - as a mere pale blue dot:

The gas giants Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune - no doubt caught off-guard and in some sort of embarrassing pose by the long-distance Voyager voyeurism - have yet to communicate their protestations through the astrologers, but I do not doubt these messages will be received soon. Hopefully not accompanied by a rogue comet, as has been their preferred method of making their feelings known since a young patent clerk named Galileo Galilei first turned his telescopes skyward and literally used them to draw the most salacious scribblings of the planet and its moons ever scribbled.

While I don't expect this latest affront to planetary privacy will be met with the kind of vitriol that caused the 1908 Tunguska incident, we would be well-advised to keep looking up, just in case.

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Shit on a Fucking Pancake.

I'm not having a good day

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Stock Market, Here I Come!

After a long talk with my accountant today, I've come to realize that perhaps my long-standing fear of the stock market is hurting my long-term financial prospects.

Yes, fellow Math Skeptics - we all know that the stock exchange is just a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah of numbers, all gathered together and engaging in a disgusting, hideous orgy of calculation. Until today, I would never have even dreamed of subjecting my buried boxes of cash to such fiduciary hedonism.

But my accountant made some good points. Historically, he said, the market outperforms any other form of investment. Plus, you can diversify your portfolio, putting your life savings into many different companies in promising industries. I'm talking safe bets here, like Pan Am Airlines, or Commodore Business Machines, or Drexel Burnham - people are always going to need air travel, computers, and financial services, right?

So I did it. I got a broker, dug up those tin boxes, and put it all in the market. Every last penny.

Don't worry, I'm still just as skeptical as always. Once a Math Skeptic, always a Math Skeptic. But sometimes, even a Skeptic has to take care of his financial future.

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A Tragesty of Justice has Occurred!

As you may have heard, the Supreme Court has just handed down a land-mark ruling that may spell the death-knell for academic freedom in our nation's biological science classrooms. In the case of Edwards v. Aguillard, the Court ruled in favor of Edwards. Or Aguillard. I don't remember which.

Whichever one was the evolutionist. That's the guy who won.

With this ruling, Louisiana's "Balanced Treatment for Creation-Science and Evolution-Science in Public School Instruction Act" is null and void, as the so-called law violated the so-called Establishment Clause of the so-called Constitution. And with the unfortunate precedent this sets, all other laws mandating academic freedom are guilty by association.

The ruling isn't all that surprising, of course. The decks were clearly stacked against the poor pro-freedom creationists from the beginning, as the anti-freedom forces of Big Darwin rallied their troops with all manner of amicus briefs and what-have-you. I can only hope that Edwards and/or Aguillard (whichever guy lost) will serve his jail term with dignity.

While this is certainly a setback for us academic freedomists, I don't think it's the end of the road. I'm sure there's some way for the creation scientists - all very intelligent people - to design some sort of curriculum that won't trip that silly "establishment clause."

Hope!

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