Ohio Teacher Under Attack For Teaching Alternative Science

Breaking News!

This shocking news just crossed my desk, and needless to say I was shocked - SHOCKED - by this shocking news!

John Freshwater, a mild-mannered and completely innocent Ohio middle school teacher, has been sued by parents of one of his students for the alleged crime of teaching perfectly valid alternative science to his eighth-grade students.

Among the allegedly "objectionable" alternative science lessons taught by Freshwater were Creationism, Intelligent Design, the Inherent Faultiness of Evolution, and How To Burn Crosses In Your Arm With a Van de Graaff Generator. The anti-freedom plaintiffs in the lawsuit are suing both Freshwater and the Ohio school district, and are attempting to use the power of activist judgmanship to get the poor innocent teacher fired.

This is an outrage!

This entire case is nothing more than premeditated character assassination by the evolutionists, persecuting a poor embattered teacher for teaching perfectly valid science topics. Creationism and Intelligent Design are widely-recognized scientific-like theories backed by mountains of hypothetical evidence. And burning a cross on a student's arm with a Van de Graaff generator teaches an important lesson in not sticking your arm in a Van de Graaff generator.

If this outrageous case goes to trial, it will be the Scopes Monkey Trial of the 21st Century. Only this time it is the monkeys who are doing the prosecuting.

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The Manthourian Candidate

Rumors have been flying around the Internet lately about Presidential candidate Barack H. Obama's birthplace. Some folks believe he was born in Kenya, others believe he was born in Hawai'i, and still others think he was born here in the United States. These so-called "birthers" mean well, but are making a very dangerous assumption - that the presumptive Democratic nominee was born at all.

The Math Skeptic demands a higher standard of proof. The threat of alien invasion is ever-present, and I need to know that all of our candidates for high office are indeed human beings and not pod-cloned cybernetic humanoid drones here to pave the way for invasion by the dreaded Manthour of Tau Ceti b.

As we know, the Manthour have been eager to retaliate against us since Fred Haise and Jim Lovell destroyed their secret moon base during the Apollo 13 mission. So far, we have been keeping their ships at bay with our protective chemtrail grids and the giant space laser aboard the International Space Station. If the Manthour were to install humanoid drones at the highest levels of government, as they already have in Ohio, these protections could be disabled and our dear planet left vulnerable to invasion.

This is nothing new for the Math Skeptic, of course. I have demanded to see proof of live birth for every presidential candidate since Gerald Ford. And every election cycle, my demands have been ignored. Until now.

Until now.

Candidate Obama has publically released his certification of live birth, immediately arousing my suspicion. Why is this candidate so eager to prove that he's a live-born human? What's he hiding? This sounds exactly like what a pod-cloned cybernetic humanoid drone would do if he were trying to prove that he was NOT a pod-cloned cybernetic humanoid drone.

To be clear - I'm not saying that Barack H. Obama is definitely a pre-invasion scout infiltrating the highest office of the land in order to weaken our defenses and send planetary secrets to the Manthourian Invasion Fleet hiding at the L2 Lagrangian point behind Jupiter. Not at all. That would be a baseless accusation.

I'm just asking questions here.

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Deconstructing π

And so today we find ourselves forced to recognize yet another π Day, that most ridiculous of holidays, on which mathemagicians and their cronies in the geometranista celebrate their success in perpetuating the Great Global Rounding Swindle. Every year, they trot out the "fact' that π, guesstimated to be "3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510," is some sort of miracle number representing the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.

And the worldwide mathmatical cabal, from the most celebrated MIT "professor" to the lowliest elementary school math indoctrinator, parrots the "fact," without proof or challenge. They simply repeat the usual mathemythical orthodoxy, and expect us all to believe it, even memorize it.

What is this assumption based on? This simple formula:

π = ^C/_2r

And how do we "know" that this formula is correct? Because the mathemagicians have also told us this:

C = π x 2r

Oh, how convenient. Do they seriously expect us to believe this circular logic? Apparently so.

On a positive note, there is a growing number of courageous skeptics who challenge this so-called "fact," including fellow math skeptic Bob Palais, Research Mathemagics Professor at the University of Utah, who proudly proclaims that Pi is wrong, or the daring researcher Peter Karbach, who found a flaw in the orthodoxy. Even legal scholars are getting into the act, like the intrepid Kate Pflaumer, former U.S. attorney for the Western District of Washington.

And yet, our schools refuse to teach the controversy. What are they afraid of? What are they hiding? It is up to us in the math skeptic community to pressure our educational system to allow alternate definitions of π into the classroom, before the next generation of children is indoctrinated into the global mathemagical conspiracy.

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What Happened To That Global Warming?

What the--

It's winter?!?

How is that POSSIBLE?

Al Gore told me that we were having Global Warming! That means we can NEVER HAVE WINTER AGAIN!

The fact that today's winter solstice happened right on schedule is CONCRETE PROOF that global warming is a myth designed to keep those multimillionaire scientists in the lap of luxury, drinking Courvoisier and smoking fancy cigars rolled from carbon credits!

Of course, I can't fully blame the scientists. They were relying on numbers to make their climate predictions, and as we know all numbers are false.

Maybe the embarrassment they're feeling today, knowing that their Global Warming predictions went so utterly wrong, will get them to give up their silly reliance on numbers.

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A MOST DANGEROUS BOOK

Some authors just don't know when to leave well enough alone.

It's not enough that John Derbyshire taunted the evilicious forces of numeracy with his 2004 tome about Bernhard Reimann's unsolvable math problem. He just had to follow it up with Unknown Quantity: A Real and Imaginary History of Algebra.

As any Math Skeptic knows, algebra is known universally as the most dangerous of all the maths. First, the use of variables creates a dangerous portal to the unknown netherworld of quantum stochasticity, from which any manner of random hideous creature could emerge.

Secondly, the juxtaposition of numbers and letters leaves our poor, innocent letters susceptible to bad influence and peer pressure from the numbers. I mean, one minute you could be solving for y, and the next minute the letters are conspiring the overthrow of human civilization.

Derbyshire takes the book one step deeper into dangertown by fictionalizing some of algebra's evil history. It's not bad enough that he glorifies the many times algebra has led to the downfall of human civilizations, but by delving into the real and imaginary history, he gives algebra plenty of tricksy ideas.

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A Tragesty of Justice in Pennsylvania!

Breaking News!

U.S. District Judge John E. Jones has just ruled against the teaching of alternate scientific theories in the landmark Kitzmiller v. Dover case. As you know, The Math Skeptic has had high hopes for this case as part of our "wedge strategy" to insert alternative math theories into the classroom, so this is a huge setback indeed.

Judge Jones issued this utterly ludicrous ruling based on the positively ridiculous notion that Intelligent Design Theory is religious:

The concept of intelligent design (hereinafter “ID”), in its current form, came into existence after the Edwards case was decided in 1987. For the reasons that follow, we conclude that the religious nature of ID would be readily apparent to an objective observer, adult or child.

We initially note that John Haught, a theologian who testified as an expert witness for Plaintiffs and who has written extensively on the subject of evolution and religion, succinctly explained to the Court that the argument for ID is not a new scientific argument, but is rather an old religious argument for the existence of God. He traced this argument back to at least Thomas Aquinas in the 13th century, who framed the argument as a syllogism: Wherever complex design exists, there must have been a designer; nature is complex; therefore nature must have had an intelligent designer.

Really, Judge? Really? Well I am an objective observer AND an adult or child, and I don't see the religiousity inherent in the claim that a supernatural being guided evolution every step of the way!

It's simply a ludicrous notion. Any believer in an omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent God could never believe that such an all-powerful being would be so thoroughly incompetent as to intentionally guide evolution into all of its mass extinctions and dead ends and malicious mutations and the utter cruelty of natural selection. So if it's not God doing the guiding, it's not religious, thus, what the cdesign proponents are proponing is not religion! Case closed!

And, of course, organizations such as the National Center for Science Indoctrination were fawning over themselves in praise for the decision to ban freedom from the classroom. I suppose I can't blame them, of course. They and the rest of the scientific community are so deep in the pocket of Big Digit that they can't possibly support academic freedom in the maths OR sciences. We alternative math and/or science proponents are just tiny Davids facing a giant Goliath of the scientifo-numeric cabal.

Which wasn't meant as a religious statement, just to be clear. I was merely using a well-known anecdote, that happens to come from the Old Testament, to illustrate my point.

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NASA's Lollygagging Messenger - Of DOOM!

Well, once again the boys at NASA are playing fire with fire, putting all of us at risk of total catastrophic annihilation.

Today, the U.S. spacing agency launched a new probe to Mercury, the innerest planet. MESSENGER, a half-ton orbiting science laboratory and ridiculously contrived acronym, is due to arrive in 2011.

I know what you're thinking. 2011? Mercury is only 60 million miles away - why will it take more than six years for MESSENGER to reach its destination?

The answer - because this probe is taking the scenic route. On its way to Mercury, MESSENGER will be on a long junket around the inner solar system, buzzing by Earth and Venus a few times before finally settling down around Mercury.

So we're annoying three planets with one mission. Fantastic!

And the worst of all is the fact that we've already been there and done that! Mercury was explored by Mariner 10 in 1975. The scienticians have already collected all the data they'd ever need to know, so this is just frivolous planetary picking-on!

Mark my words: the inner planets will not be happy about this, nor will they be pleased. I predict that we will begin to see more asteroids and other space rocks hurled in our direction once MESSENGER begins circling Mercury. Mark! My! Words!

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The Death of Hope

Today I have some sad news to report. Comedian and entertainer Bob Hope has died.

The beloved comedian, known for his many tours with the United Service Organizations (U.S.O.) and his use of Polish jokes long after it was considered "politically incorrect" to make fun of Polish people, died of pneumonia just a few weeks after his 100th birthday.

Hope's tragic, untimely death is a reflection of the sad state of our country's current trajectory, and its dreadful failure to care for its centenarians.

In a way, it's quite symbolic that Bob Hope has died, for it is symblematic of our current national malaise -- what with two wars and the loss of our Space Shuttle and the impending economic stag-nation thrust upon us by the scourge of global numerism. Truly we have lost hope.

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope. Today, we have no hope.

Of course, it could be worse. We could also be mourning the death of, say, Johnny Cash. Or Steve Jobs. Or Kevin Bacon. Then we would have no hope, no cash, no jobs, and no bacon!

That's just a little "gallows humor." A bit too soon, perhaps, but then that's just how we humans deal with tragedy. I deeply apologize if you have mistakenly taken offense at my previous statement.

Besides - Bob Hope would have thought it was pretty funny. He was a comedian, after all - jokes were his "thing." If we can't laugh at the passing of a 100-year-old man, then we are more malaised than we thought.

Thanks for the memories, Bob! You - and the abstract concept of hope in general - will be missed.

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