Incoming Comet A Harbinger of Doom?

Greetings, fellow Math Skeptics! On today's B.L.O.G. entry, I have some frightening tidings to report. It seems the recently-discovered Comet Kohoutek is coming to destroy us all. My source? None other than God himself. Speaking through David Berg, founder of Children of God Ministries.

When a man of the cloth says the world is going to end, it usually comes true. So we have good reason to be cautious.

God was a bit unclear about the date of the impending apocalypse, unfortunately, so Berg isn't quite sure when The End is coming:

IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE 21st (OF SOME MONTH). It either begins on the 21st or it ends on the 21st. Of course it'll be at its brightest--between November 21 and January 21, and really from December 11 to January 21 is the main course. Either that or December 21.

The obvious take-away message is that we must beware of all dates numbered 21. Which is fine for me - I beware of all dates from 1-20 and 22-31 as well. The fact that we use numbers to denote our days is a clear sign that our society has fallen into depravity and evil as a society. Also, homosexualism.

But I do fear for those unsaved among you who have not-yet learned to distrust numbers as I. The poor numeralists out there continue unabated in their digit-using ways completely oblivious to the cometary ruin they bring upon society.

I implore all my readers to heed David Berg's multiple warnings, and repent from their numeralist ways. If we all preach the gospel if numberlessness, perhaps the Great Comet Kohoutek will decide to spare us.

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N.A.S.A. Launches Ill-Fated Mission To Mercury!

This afternoon, our space-agency launched yet another of its ill-conceived space probes on yet another poorly-thought-out mission to visit and/or annoy the inner planets of our solar system.

Mariner 10, a half-ton $98-million robotical behemoth, launched from the Kennedy Space Center, will soon be placed in heliocentric orbit around the Sun. From there it will use the mystical forces of gravity to propel itself on a mission to image the inner planets Venus and Mercury.

And then what?

This, I fear, is the question N.A.S.A. engineers have failed to question. What happens to Mariner 10 once it has completed its sunward paparazzisim?

My prediction - this space-craft will soon grow too big for its solar-powered britches and believe itself to be its own planet! Do not forget - this robotic probe is operated by ones and zeroes - numbers! And numbers are not to be trusted.

Mark my words! This ro-bot shall soon go rogue, breaking contact with its human creators to go on a reign of terror around the innermost solar system. Mark my words!

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VICTORY IN CHILE!

The Math Skeptic would like to congratulate the CIA on yet another successful South American coup d'etat!

Finally, the long-suffering people of Chile can get out from under the democratically-elected thumb of the despotic President Allende, and will finally live in peace and freedom under General Pinochet. This is a victory not just for the Chilean people, but for all the freedom-loving people of the world!

I don't normally do this, since I'm very opposed to celebrating numbers in any form, but there's just something about today's date that seems special. Nine-Eleven. 9/11. 9-1-1. Isn't it beautiful?

September 11 - a date that will be forever synonymous with freedom!

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Alleged Comput-er "Hacker" Convicted Of Crime Against Numbers!

Last year, I reported on the tragic case of Hugh Jeffrey Ward, accused of comput-er program theft in Oakland, California. Today, I have a sad and tragic update to this sad and tragic case.

Mr. Ward has been convicted of the alleged crime of comput-er "piracy."

I still believe that the accused is innocent, despite being proven guilty. The California Superior Court, un-fortunately, has seen fit to see the case differently. Mr. Ward was fined $5,000 and sentenced to three years probation for the so-called "crime" of "pirating" a "comput-er program."

Although it is too late for Mr. Ward, this case should serve as a cautionary example for all young-folk aspiring to a career in comput-er science. If you are not care-ful, the numbers will corrupt your fragile young minds and turn you into man-servants for their evil ways!

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I Just Had A Highly Practical Idea (-:

To my A.R.P.A.-net colleagues:

We are indeed on the cusp of verging on entering an era in which the dominant means of professional and inter-personal communication will be via text-based compu-tational means rather than memoranda or telephonic-talking or face-to-face inter-facing. This is a concept to which we all can agree.

However!

As we who endeavor in the realm of compu-tational media are well aware, there are important difficulties presented when using a purely textual-based means of communication. Specifically vis-a-vis the conveyance of emotion as a contextual frame-work for the contentual content of the communicator's subject matter.

Put into differing terms, a comment made in levity may be read by readers as serious or threatening; whereas a comment made seriously or as a threat may be read as levity.

Henceworth I hereby propose the following system of iconic-emoting to properly convey the subtext of a matter whence it may be un-clear.

When one wishes to convey happiness, levity, or joke marking, I propose the following character sequence (read it sideways):

(-:

Whereas when one wishes to convey sadness, dislevity, or a non-joke marking, the following shall be used (read it sideways):

)-:

I do realize that for most readers of this elec-tronic memorandum the reading of these iconic-emoting markers will involve several hours of mainframe reconfiguration in order to orient the monitoring screen in the proper turnwise fashion. However, the cost savings in non-miscommunication will more than make up for the time-non-savings in repeated screw-driving that will be necessary to implement this iconic-emoting proposal. Additionally, this will allow us to better distinguish ourselves from the machines should they achieve sentience and rise up against us.

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Numbers Claim Their First "Comput-er Hacking" Victim!

Long have I warned my readers about the dangers of comput-er use in our working lives. Computers are governed by numbers. And, as we all know, numbers are not to be trusted.

And now, it seems, the numbers and their tools of corruption - comput-ers - have put an innocent man on trial for the alleged "hacking" crime of so-called "code theft."

29-year-old comput-er whiz Hugh Jeffery Ward of Palo Alto, California, stands accused of so-called "comput-er piracy" for allegedly "stealing" a computer program from Oakland-based Information Systems Design (ISD). Allegedly, Mr. Ward used a telephone and a special code to allegedly gain access to ISD's memory-banks and allegedly "pirate" a $25,000 program.

This accusation is, of course, complete balderwash. Nothing has been stolen from ISD, as examplified by the face that ISD still has their comput-er program!

I will try to explain this using an analogy.

If, hypothetically, someone were to break into my house and steal my sofa, then I would no longer have a sofa. The alleged crime allegedly committed by the alleged Mr. Ward is the equivalent of someone breaking into my house and writing down my sofa. That is not what I or any sane language-speaker would consider theft.

But, of course, there is more to this. I fear the draw-strings of this case pull far beneath the surface, hinting at a behemoth of numerist corruption lurking in the murky depths of our comput-er age. It is completely obvious that Mr. Ward was obviously under the influence of the numbers when he allegedly committed his alleged crimes: using a telephone (numbers) and a special code (numeric) to obtain a comput-er program (containing numbers).

This, I fear, is but the first of many such cases we will soon see as the numbers and auto-mation and comput-erization take over our businesses and our lives. These incidents of comput-er "hacking" will increase as more of us fall under the influence of these tools of numerist hegemony.

I have hereby predicted!

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I Have Literally Coined A New Phrase!

Earlier today I found myself in a heated (some would say "heated") discussion about the data-base my team is putting together for our project at D.A.R.P.A. This discussion hinged upon the data to be based in our data-base, and specifically the data about the data being based in the data-base.

This "meta-data," as it is called, is critical to proper data basage, and there is indeed a growing body of terms that need to be invented just to describe this meta-data. My colleagues and I were quibbling over these terms when our project manager, Lance "Dude" Dudowski intervened.

"Gentlemen," he said, looking at us over the rims of his tortoise-shell glasses and adjusting his pocket protector, "it would appear that we need a meta-language for our meta-data."

"Dude," I replied, "that's so meta."

We all laughed, of course, as the turn of phrase and my dead-pan delivery was indeed quite humor-ous. But as the snorts and chuckles died down I found myself thinking about this newly-minted turn-of-phrase and its potential applications in other fields. "That's so meta" could just as easily refer to songs about songwriting, or movies about the film industry, or books about books.

Thus I present this phrase to the world. Literally decades before the invention of hipsters, the phrase "that's so meta" is now here-to-fore a part of the linguistic lexicon, and I am literally its inventor.

And now I bestow it unto you. Use it wisely and widely, my dear readers, for "that's so meta" is going places!

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My Prediction Was Correct - Again!

The only thing worse and/or better than being right about one earthquake prediction is to be right about two earthquake predictions. And today I am happy and/or sad to report that I was indeed correct in my prediction of a pair of earthquakes in the Solomon Islands. The first of the predicted earthquakes struck on July 14.

Today, exactly two weeks later, the second predicted earthquake has struck the Solomon Islands.

Though it is perhaps premature to grant myself hero status, I will go out on a limb and boast that my earthquake and tsunami warning saved thousands - perhaps even hundreds - of lives.

If a monetary reward from the Solomonican government is in order, I will gladly accept. But I do this first and foremost to save lives as a gesture of goodwill to all men - even the exotic fruit-hatted ones of the Pacific Islands.

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