Is Our New President Human?

The recent news out of Washington has the entire country mixed-up, turned-out, and up-side-down. It has been a wild ride of a year, with the Watergate break-in and the cover-up and the resignation of a Vice-President and now the resignation of our great President. It's a whole lotta upheaval, as the kids would say.

If I were commanding an invading army of space aliens - from Tau Ceti, for example - now would be a perfect time to invade. Which I'm not. But, hypothetically, if I were, I'd pick a time of great social upheaval - like this one right now - to invade.

So after my third shot of schnapps tonight I started thinking - what if the Tau Cetans (the Manthour, for those of you in the know) were invading right now? Even more frightening - what if they were exploiting this time of great socio-political upheaval to install a humanoid cyber-drone as the most powerful man in the world?

It could happen.

Come to think of it, "President Ford" looks a little dronish, doesn't he? Those wide-set eyes, the protruding forehead... I can't rightly say I'm 100 per cent sure the man is human. Thus I issue the following Open Letter:

Dear President Ford (if that is your real name),
I, The Math Skeptic and proud citizen of these United States, hereby issue you this challenge, here on my B.L.O.G., for all the dozens of other D.A.R.P.A. noders to see:

I demand to see your Certification of Live Birth. We, the people, need to know if you were indeed born of woman rather than hatched of cybernetic flesh-pod.

Seeing as how you are now the Leader of the Free World, I do not think this is too much to request. Nor is it frivolous. The security of our planet is at stake.

Cordially yours,
The Math Skeptic

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The Numbers Are Taking Over Our Precious Capitalism!

If you've been grocery shopping recently, you may have seen some strange black-and-white lines showing up on your boxed corn and potatoed-chips. I, too, have been wondering about these curious curiosities, so I did some research.

It turns out that these are the latest assault by the numbers on our capitalist livelihoods. These Universal Product Codes, as they're known, will soon put the power over retail pricing in the hands of computers, rather than the trusted invisible hands of the free market.

This outrage is simply OUTRAGEOUS!

Soon stores throughout the country will be using electronical scanners at the checkout counter, instead of trusted technology like an old guy with a cash register.

And, soon after that, I imagine the stores will be doing away with the old guy and just using robots to interact with their customers. Imagine! How will we engage in cheerful small talk with a Checkout Robot? I can just imagine the conversations: "afternoon, Miss Robot, how are you?" (silence) "gee, your diodes look nice today," (silence) "What time do you get off work? Maybe we can go down to the electronics shop for a can of oil?" (silence).

Pah!

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By Jove, This Is A Bad Idea!

We humans have managed to accomplish a lot with our hubris - landing on the moon, curing smallpox, inventing the tele-vision, and so forth. But sometimes we make some really prideful blunders, too. I fear that Pioneer 10's upcoming encounter with Jupiter will be the blunderest of them all!

The astrologers have warned us many times about angering the outer planets. For millennia, they have kept the gas giants pacified and spared us from their wrath. Now that we are sending a probe to buzz Jupiter while snapping pictures like an hapless tourist, I fear that the astrologers will no longer be able to contain the gas giant's wrath.

If Jupiter decides to unleash a flurry of comets and trojan asteroids in our direction as penance for our disrespectful probing, we shall have no-one to blame but ourselves.

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Incoming Comet A Harbinger of Doom?

Greetings, fellow Math Skeptics! On today's B.L.O.G. entry, I have some frightening tidings to report. It seems the recently-discovered Comet Kohoutek is coming to destroy us all. My source? None other than God himself. Speaking through David Berg, founder of Children of God Ministries.

When a man of the cloth says the world is going to end, it usually comes true. So we have good reason to be cautious.

God was a bit unclear about the date of the impending apocalypse, unfortunately, so Berg isn't quite sure when The End is coming:

IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE 21st (OF SOME MONTH). It either begins on the 21st or it ends on the 21st. Of course it'll be at its brightest--between November 21 and January 21, and really from December 11 to January 21 is the main course. Either that or December 21.

The obvious take-away message is that we must beware of all dates numbered 21. Which is fine for me - I beware of all dates from 1-20 and 22-31 as well. The fact that we use numbers to denote our days is a clear sign that our society has fallen into depravity and evil as a society. Also, homosexualism.

But I do fear for those unsaved among you who have not-yet learned to distrust numbers as I. The poor numeralists out there continue unabated in their digit-using ways completely oblivious to the cometary ruin they bring upon society.

I implore all my readers to heed David Berg's multiple warnings, and repent from their numeralist ways. If we all preach the gospel if numberlessness, perhaps the Great Comet Kohoutek will decide to spare us.

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N.A.S.A. Launches Ill-Fated Mission To Mercury!

This afternoon, our space-agency launched yet another of its ill-conceived space probes on yet another poorly-thought-out mission to visit and/or annoy the inner planets of our solar system.

Mariner 10, a half-ton $98-million robotical behemoth, launched from the Kennedy Space Center, will soon be placed in heliocentric orbit around the Sun. From there it will use the mystical forces of gravity to propel itself on a mission to image the inner planets Venus and Mercury.

And then what?

This, I fear, is the question N.A.S.A. engineers have failed to question. What happens to Mariner 10 once it has completed its sunward paparazzisim?

My prediction - this space-craft will soon grow too big for its solar-powered britches and believe itself to be its own planet! Do not forget - this robotic probe is operated by ones and zeroes - numbers! And numbers are not to be trusted.

Mark my words! This ro-bot shall soon go rogue, breaking contact with its human creators to go on a reign of terror around the innermost solar system. Mark my words!

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VICTORY IN CHILE!

The Math Skeptic would like to congratulate the CIA on yet another successful South American coup d'etat!

Finally, the long-suffering people of Chile can get out from under the democratically-elected thumb of the despotic President Allende, and will finally live in peace and freedom under General Pinochet. This is a victory not just for the Chilean people, but for all the freedom-loving people of the world!

I don't normally do this, since I'm very opposed to celebrating numbers in any form, but there's just something about today's date that seems special. Nine-Eleven. 9/11. 9-1-1. Isn't it beautiful?

September 11 - a date that will be forever synonymous with freedom!

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Alleged Comput-er "Hacker" Convicted Of Crime Against Numbers!

Last year, I reported on the tragic case of Hugh Jeffrey Ward, accused of comput-er program theft in Oakland, California. Today, I have a sad and tragic update to this sad and tragic case.

Mr. Ward has been convicted of the alleged crime of comput-er "piracy."

I still believe that the accused is innocent, despite being proven guilty. The California Superior Court, un-fortunately, has seen fit to see the case differently. Mr. Ward was fined $5,000 and sentenced to three years probation for the so-called "crime" of "pirating" a "comput-er program."

Although it is too late for Mr. Ward, this case should serve as a cautionary example for all young-folk aspiring to a career in comput-er science. If you are not care-ful, the numbers will corrupt your fragile young minds and turn you into man-servants for their evil ways!

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I Just Had A Highly Practical Idea (-:

To my A.R.P.A.-net colleagues:

We are indeed on the cusp of verging on entering an era in which the dominant means of professional and inter-personal communication will be via text-based compu-tational means rather than memoranda or telephonic-talking or face-to-face inter-facing. This is a concept to which we all can agree.

However!

As we who endeavor in the realm of compu-tational media are well aware, there are important difficulties presented when using a purely textual-based means of communication. Specifically vis-a-vis the conveyance of emotion as a contextual frame-work for the contentual content of the communicator's subject matter.

Put into differing terms, a comment made in levity may be read by readers as serious or threatening; whereas a comment made seriously or as a threat may be read as levity.

Henceworth I hereby propose the following system of iconic-emoting to properly convey the subtext of a matter whence it may be un-clear.

When one wishes to convey happiness, levity, or joke marking, I propose the following character sequence (read it sideways):

(-:

Whereas when one wishes to convey sadness, dislevity, or a non-joke marking, the following shall be used (read it sideways):

)-:

I do realize that for most readers of this elec-tronic memorandum the reading of these iconic-emoting markers will involve several hours of mainframe reconfiguration in order to orient the monitoring screen in the proper turnwise fashion. However, the cost savings in non-miscommunication will more than make up for the time-non-savings in repeated screw-driving that will be necessary to implement this iconic-emoting proposal. Additionally, this will allow us to better distinguish ourselves from the machines should they achieve sentience and rise up against us.

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