Are Girls Better at Resisting Numerist Indoctrination?

In the daily struggle we humans face against the numbers as they are engaged in their daily effort to eradicate human existence from existence, it is not often that we encounter a good bit of news that tilts the scales of favor in our favor.

Today, however, a ray of sunshine has been shafted into our dark, dusky trenches in the form of a new study by several John(s) Hopkins University professors.

The good news? Girls are bad at math.

Camilla Benbow and Julian Stanley, Johns Hopkins University co-authors of the study, concluded from their data that "sex differences in achievement in and attitude toward mathematics result from superior male mathematical ability.

Yowza!

If these findings are correct, it may mean that the key to defeating the numbers may not be in the hands of we strong and powerful men, but rather in the weaker sex - women. Their natural abilities of resisting the arithmetical agenda may be the saving grace that saves our species from eventual defeat by the numbers.

The obvious course of action, of course, is to immediately and thoroughly disenroll all girls from math classes immediately and keep them safely isolated from mathematical influence in "safe" classes such as Home Economics, Literature, and Artistry.

Of course, the feminists and their ilk will object to such a course of action as "sexist" and "ill-conceived" and "bigoted" and other hateful epithets. Their efforts must be vehemently ignored. The survival of our species is at stake!

The Math Skeptic salutes the brave women who are resisting arithmetical propaganda and refusing to conform to the one-right-answer meristocracy of the scholarlied elites!

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Epidemiologists Commit Mass Avicide!

Sometimes, science just goes too far.

Well, it does that all the time. But there are a handful of times when it really goes really too far. And in the worst of the worst cases, it is the innocent who suffer. It is of the aforehavingmentioned variety that is the case of which I now speak.

For in the name of the thoroughly theoretical theories of natural selection and germ theory that the scientists and epidemiologists and biologicians are committing mass avicide down in Florida.

In what some commentators are deeming an "orgy of Darwinian violence," more than 8,500 exotic birds, ranging from tiny innocent finches to hyperintelligent parrots have been mass extincted by a group of avicidal epidemiologists from the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

These pocket-protectored serial cullers claim that this drastic action is warranted due to a so-called outbreak of so-called Newcastle disease that threatened to spread to so-called poultry farms in the so-called Sunshine State. In other words, they mass-murdered the birds so a "disease" wouldn't kill other birds that were going to be killed anyway.

I find all of this highly dubious. Particularly that these jackbooted ornithuglogists were acting on the unproven and highly dubious germ theory of disease, when we know that diseases are really spread by evil spirits and bad humours. This outrageous action is an outrage, and I for one am outraged at the USDA for their outrageous action.

Leave the birds alone, Evil President Carter!

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Candidates, I Need To See Your Birth Certifications!

President Carter, Governor Reagan, and Whatever-You-Are Anderson,

Good evening, gentlemen. The Math Skeptic here. I congratulate all of you on your hard-fought nominations. Now that you have passed your party's nomination test, I have to ask you to pass the Math Skeptic test.

I need to see your birth certificates, candidates. I, and the American voting public, need to know that you are the genuine article, the real deal. We need to know that you are, indeed, human.

As we enter this exciting new decade, the threat of alien invasion is ever-present. The possibility is very real that the Manthour of Tau Ceti b or the dreaded Zarminians of the Gliese 581 system are attempting to weaken our defenses by putting one of their cloned human drones in the highest office of the most powerful nation on our planet.

Showing your Certification of Live Birth will prove to me and the rest of the electorate that you are one of us and not one of THEM.

Especially you, "President Carter." I'm still suspicious after Hairgate.

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WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!

I don't want to alarm my readers, but I've just read some alarming news that may alarm you. SkyLab, the Air Force's top-secret orbiting space weapon (cleverly disguised as a NASA research satellite) is going to crash to Earth some time tomorrow. To make matters worse, officials at the North American Air Defense Command have no idea when or where the 77-ton station is going to hit.

This is, to put it mildly, terrifying beyond all known limitations of abject fear. According to NASA sources, there are more than 500 pieces of the space laser weighing between several hundred and several thousand pounds that are expected to survive re-entry and crash to the ground as molten chunks of metal traveling at tens of thousands of miles per hour.

NASA estimates that you have a one in 152 chance of being injured or killed by a falling chunk of SkyLab tomorrow. Now, I'm not a gambling person, since games of chance allow the Numbers to invade your mind and take over your soul, but I know enough about probability to know that those are pretty good odds.

As if there weren't already enough to worry about, what with 70 tons of molten lead and depleted uranium about to rain down on us tomorrow, there's also the minor detail that the demise of SkyLab leaves us completely defenseless against alien attack.

We KNOW that the Tau Cetians are just itching to retaliate against us for destroying their secret moon base. As you may recall, this preemptive strike was carried out by Fred Haise and Jim Lovell during the successful Apollo 13 moon landing.

Without SkyLab to defend us, our planet is completely vulnerable. And with the twin Voyager spacecraft en route to annoy our outer planets, it's doubtful we can enlist the gas giants to help us. The situation is dire, folks. Extremely dire. There is a very good chance that we will not live to see 1980.

Not to alarm anyone, of course. I'm just laying out the facts. The decision to hoard canned goods and move to an underground bunker in the Ozarks is entirely up to you.

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Has Our President Been Replaced By A Pod-Clone?

Shocking News!

I read an absolutely SHOCKING story in yesterday's Toledo Blade. So shocking I had to put it down and come back to it today to ensure that I had not dreamt the entire episode.

This morning, the story was still there. Thus it is true. our President has changed the part of his hair.

Or so they would like us to think.

Gentlemen, we must be vigilant now more than ever. While this might be simply a case of a floundering President trying to change his look to better his reelection chances, it could also be a sign that our President has been replaced by a pod-clone.

Since "President Carter" ignored my earlier request to see his Certification of Live Birth, I have no choice but to issue it again, but more sternly:

Mr. President,

I sternly request that you make public your Certification of Live Birth! This is a matter of Planetary Security!

We must know the truth!

Sternly,
The Math Skeptic

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Nuclear War Is Imminent! Head For The Hills and/or Islands!

Readers!

I do not wish to alarm you but I have some alarming news. It has just come to my attention that a NUCLEAR WAR is about to break out!

Regular readers will know that I have been warning about this for some time. Those crafty Russkis have been planning for our annihilation since the beginning of the decade. First, the Soviets began disarming us with their "detentes" and their "Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaties" and their "Helsinki Accords." Then they began jamming our radios and/or controlling our minds with their Woodpecker Signals. And now that we're disarmed and mind-controlled - they will WAR some time before the end of this MONTH!

How do we know that war will happen this month? Because it is foretold in The Bible and/or the sizes of the Pyramids of Egypt, according to Melbournian business-man John Strong, author of The Doomsday Globe. Using a complex series of calculations, Strong discovered that the End of the World would come in October, 1978 - that's NOW!

Strong is so sure of his predictions that he and several dozen followers are currently waiting out the upcoming nuclear armageddon in a secure, bomb-proof ranch in New South Wales, Australia.

I am a bit conflicted about this prediction, I should say. On one hand, I am understandably skeptical about the calculation methods Strong used to arrive at his prediction, given the inherent instability of numbers. On the other hand, the prediction is partially based in The Bible, which is always correct.

Unfortunately, the whopping $575 fee for survival is a bit out of my price range at the moment, as is flying to Australia. So suffice it to say that I shall not be joining Mr. Strong in his ranch.

But not to worry - I am taking precautions here, converting my basement/laundry room into a bomb-proof shelter and stocking up on non-perishables. THE WIFE thinks I'm crazy, AS USUAL, but we will see who thinks who is crazy when she's dodging radioactive fallouts and I am secure in my basement shelter!

I urge all of you to prepare as necessary. If the Bible is correct, WAR IS COMING!

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New York Caves In to Arithmetofascism!

In a shocking development that is sending shockwaves rippling through the shocked studentry of New York State, the state's secretive Board of Regents has decreed that students will now have to pass a math exam in order to graduate!

As if it's not enough that students have to endure four years of classes, drudgery, bullying, and mathematical indoctrination, New Yorkians now must endure the insult of standardized testing to get their high school diploma.

This latest outrage against our innocent youth is simply outrageous!

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Florida Students Stick It To the Math Man!

According to results of a standardized test, Floridian students excel at the three R's: Reading, wRiting, and Revolution against the arithmetica agenda! Statewide, some forty percent flunked the math portion of a statewide exam given across the state to 11th grade students across Florida. Though the test is needed to graduate, Floridian students are standing up to the mathematical masters, unshackling themselves from the chains of numeracy, and asserting their academic freedom against the one-right-answer tyrrany of answerism! Go, Florida! The Anti-Math Revolution Starts Here!

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