Though it is perhaps premature to grant myself hero status, I will go out on a limb and boast that my earthquake and tsunami warning saved thousands - perhaps even hundreds - of lives.
If a monetary reward from the Solomonican government is in order, I will gladly accept. But I do this first and foremost to save lives as a gesture of goodwill to all men - even the exotic fruit-hatted ones of the Pacific Islands.
An earthquake measuring 8.1 on the Richter Scale was reported near the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific. As there are no reports of loss of life, I can only assume that the Solomonese heeded my B.L.O.G. warning and took cover at high ground.
Countless lives have been saved - thanks in no small part to me and my dream about twins riding a guinea pig.
However - I must issue a warning for continued vigilance. To date, only one earthquake has struck. My dream specifically depicted a pair of twins, implying that there will be twin earthquakes
Stay strong, Solomonicians! The earth-quaking is not yet complete!
I had the most bizarre dream to-night!
Details of the dream are sketchy, as dreams are wont to be. However, I shall try to recall as many details as I can, as the dream seemed fortuitously prophetic!
As I recall, the dream began with a pair of young twins were riding a guinea pig - or maybe a canoe - along a beach. It was definitely some sort of guinea pig/canoe hybrid.
Anyway!
A bottle washed up on the beach, and one of the twins opened it. Suddenly, First Chancellor of the Republic of Germany Otto von Bismarck leapt from the bottom and grew to gartantuan size, jumping up and down on the beach and thundering the ground into giant waves. GIANT WAVES!
I awoke in a fitful sweat and attempted to piece together the details - the twins, the beach, the guinea pig, Birmarck. Then it hit me - it was an earthquake prophecy!
Hereby I predict that not one but a PAIR of earthquakes will strike in the coming weeks. They will be centered near Papua New Guinea in the Solomon Islands, which is situated along the Bismarck Plate!
So if any Solomonians happen to be on D.A.R.P.A.-net right now, I urge you to print out this warning, make as many mimeographs as you can, and urge your authorities and friends to take cover on high ground. Multiple earthquakes and tsunamis are headed your way
Until now.
The consequences of this discovery are staggering.
Not only will this cause a complete rewriting of the science textbooks to revise our solar system from nine planets to ten, but it also throws the entire endeavor of science in doubt. If science was wrong about the number of planets orbiting the Sun, what else could it be wrong about?
In fact, it would not surprise me if this discovery fails to gain any traction in the astronomic community. Indeed, there may even be a grand conspiracy among astronomists to keep this planet's very existence a secret!
Well, I, for one, will not be silenced!
Until now.
Today, I regret to inform you that the last holdout is no longer holding out. The Mississippi law that banned the teaching of evolution in schools was overturned by the activist judges of the Mississippi Supreme Court. Citing the 1968 activist Supreme Court decision Epperson v. Arkansas, the state court decided to buckle under the weight of jurisprudence and allow the evolutionists to literally invade the schools of Mississippi and infect the minds of innocent young schoolchildren with unproven theories about genetics and fossils.
This tragic turn of events can only be interpreted in one interpretation: the beginning of the end. Today, Mississippi has gone to hell in a handbasket, tomorrow the entire country shall follow.
Now, it seems, it is also a tool for indoctrinating our children with numerism and maths. And, according to a recent study, a very effective one.
The new puppet-based program known as "Sesame Street" is the worst offender. Part of a public-private partnership/conspiracy between the government, the Public Broadcasting System, the Children's Television Workshop, and the numbers, this info-tainment venture is designed to mold young minds reading, mathing, right-answer-knowing automatons with its deviously-designed educationalist propaganda.
And studies show that it is working - innocent youth as young as three and five are being introduced to numeric concepts such as "amounts" and "counting" through this televisual puppet-based programming.
Outrage!
Fortunately, there is a bright side to all this. A puppet-based educational television program is sure to be a ratings-loser. And furthermore - children's television is inherently unsustainable due to the simple fact that children grow up.
Ha! Guess the big-time brainiacs over at P.B.S. didn't think of that one! Over time, the viewers of "Sesame Street" will grow up, stop watching, and the show's ratings will plummet. My prediction - "Sesame Street" will be cancelled by 1972. Mark my words!
Info-tainment
The word refers to the increasing convergence of entertainment and information on the television and radio and newsreel mediums. Nowadays, unless Walter Cronkite removes his eye-glasses live on national television, we have no way of knowing if we're being presented hard-earned news or entertaining fluffery!
Now, we can use my new word -- Info-tainment -- to refer to this entertainmental/informational convergence as a singular entity.
This invention will no doubt garner me international fame and fortune and be the recipient of many lexicon awards.
Neither do I. But that's just what Dr. J. Murray Mitchell Jr. wants you to believe. In a presentation to the American Geophysical Union this week, Dr. J. will present his ludicrous hypothesis - that our modern air pollution is actually warming the globe!
Furthermore, this hypothesis will give people the ridiculous impression that air pollution is some-how a bad thing! Can you imagine?
Air pollution is nothing less than a symbol of our success as a species. The smog filling our urban skies is a visual, olfactory, gustatory, and respiratory representation of our technological prowess. It is something to be proud of - not lambasted by errant geophysical unionists!
Mark my words - this so-called "global warming" idea is nothing more than a hoax, certain to be forgotten in a few weeks.