Candidates, I Need To See Your Birth Certifications!

President Carter, Governor Reagan, and Whatever-You-Are Anderson,

Good evening, gentlemen. The Math Skeptic here. I congratulate all of you on your hard-fought nominations. Now that you have passed your party's nomination test, I have to ask you to pass the Math Skeptic test.

I need to see your birth certificates, candidates. I, and the American voting public, need to know that you are the genuine article, the real deal. We need to know that you are, indeed, human.

As we enter this exciting new decade, the threat of alien invasion is ever-present. The possibility is very real that the Manthour of Tau Ceti b or the dreaded Zarminians of the Gliese 581 system are attempting to weaken our defenses by putting one of their cloned human drones in the highest office of the most powerful nation on our planet.

Showing your Certification of Live Birth will prove to me and the rest of the electorate that you are one of us and not one of THEM.

Especially you, "President Carter." I'm still suspicious after Hairgate.

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WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!

I don't want to alarm my readers, but I've just read some alarming news that may alarm you. SkyLab, the Air Force's top-secret orbiting space weapon (cleverly disguised as a NASA research satellite) is going to crash to Earth some time tomorrow. To make matters worse, officials at the North American Air Defense Command have no idea when or where the 77-ton station is going to hit.

This is, to put it mildly, terrifying beyond all known limitations of abject fear. According to NASA sources, there are more than 500 pieces of the space laser weighing between several hundred and several thousand pounds that are expected to survive re-entry and crash to the ground as molten chunks of metal traveling at tens of thousands of miles per hour.

NASA estimates that you have a one in 152 chance of being injured or killed by a falling chunk of SkyLab tomorrow. Now, I'm not a gambling person, since games of chance allow the Numbers to invade your mind and take over your soul, but I know enough about probability to know that those are pretty good odds.

As if there weren't already enough to worry about, what with 70 tons of molten lead and depleted uranium about to rain down on us tomorrow, there's also the minor detail that the demise of SkyLab leaves us completely defenseless against alien attack.

We KNOW that the Tau Cetians are just itching to retaliate against us for destroying their secret moon base. As you may recall, this preemptive strike was carried out by Fred Haise and Jim Lovell during the successful Apollo 13 moon landing.

Without SkyLab to defend us, our planet is completely vulnerable. And with the twin Voyager spacecraft en route to annoy our outer planets, it's doubtful we can enlist the gas giants to help us. The situation is dire, folks. Extremely dire. There is a very good chance that we will not live to see 1980.

Not to alarm anyone, of course. I'm just laying out the facts. The decision to hoard canned goods and move to an underground bunker in the Ozarks is entirely up to you.

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Has Our President Been Replaced By A Pod-Clone?

Shocking News!

I read an absolutely SHOCKING story in yesterday's Toledo Blade. So shocking I had to put it down and come back to it today to ensure that I had not dreamt the entire episode.

This morning, the story was still there. Thus it is true. our President has changed the part of his hair.

Or so they would like us to think.

Gentlemen, we must be vigilant now more than ever. While this might be simply a case of a floundering President trying to change his look to better his reelection chances, it could also be a sign that our President has been replaced by a pod-clone.

Since "President Carter" ignored my earlier request to see his Certification of Live Birth, I have no choice but to issue it again, but more sternly:

Mr. President,

I sternly request that you make public your Certification of Live Birth! This is a matter of Planetary Security!

We must know the truth!

Sternly,
The Math Skeptic

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Nuclear War Is Imminent! Head For The Hills and/or Islands!

Readers!

I do not wish to alarm you but I have some alarming news. It has just come to my attention that a NUCLEAR WAR is about to break out!

Regular readers will know that I have been warning about this for some time. Those crafty Russkis have been planning for our annihilation since the beginning of the decade. First, the Soviets began disarming us with their "detentes" and their "Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaties" and their "Helsinki Accords." Then they began jamming our radios and/or controlling our minds with their Woodpecker Signals. And now that we're disarmed and mind-controlled - they will WAR some time before the end of this MONTH!

How do we know that war will happen this month? Because it is foretold in The Bible and/or the sizes of the Pyramids of Egypt, according to Melbournian business-man John Strong, author of The Doomsday Globe. Using a complex series of calculations, Strong discovered that the End of the World would come in October, 1978 - that's NOW!

Strong is so sure of his predictions that he and several dozen followers are currently waiting out the upcoming nuclear armageddon in a secure, bomb-proof ranch in New South Wales, Australia.

I am a bit conflicted about this prediction, I should say. On one hand, I am understandably skeptical about the calculation methods Strong used to arrive at his prediction, given the inherent instability of numbers. On the other hand, the prediction is partially based in The Bible, which is always correct.

Unfortunately, the whopping $575 fee for survival is a bit out of my price range at the moment, as is flying to Australia. So suffice it to say that I shall not be joining Mr. Strong in his ranch.

But not to worry - I am taking precautions here, converting my basement/laundry room into a bomb-proof shelter and stocking up on non-perishables. THE WIFE thinks I'm crazy, AS USUAL, but we will see who thinks who is crazy when she's dodging radioactive fallouts and I am secure in my basement shelter!

I urge all of you to prepare as necessary. If the Bible is correct, WAR IS COMING!

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New York Caves In to Arithmetofascism!

In a shocking development that is sending shockwaves rippling through the shocked studentry of New York State, the state's secretive Board of Regents has decreed that students will now have to pass a math exam in order to graduate!

As if it's not enough that students have to endure four years of classes, drudgery, bullying, and mathematical indoctrination, New Yorkians now must endure the insult of standardized testing to get their high school diploma.

This latest outrage against our innocent youth is simply outrageous!

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Florida Students Stick It To the Math Man!

According to results of a standardized test, Floridian students excel at the three R's: Reading, wRiting, and Revolution against the arithmetica agenda! Statewide, some forty percent flunked the math portion of a statewide exam given across the state to 11th grade students across Florida. Though the test is needed to graduate, Floridian students are standing up to the mathematical masters, unshackling themselves from the chains of numeracy, and asserting their academic freedom against the one-right-answer tyrrany of answerism! Go, Florida! The Anti-Math Revolution Starts Here!

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NASA! You're Playing With DANGER!

Just a month after launching Voyager 2 on a mission to annoy the outer planets, NASA has launched the Voyager 1 space-probe to further antagonize the biggest of the gas giants, Jupiter and Saturn.

Due to arrive at Jupiter in January 1979 and Saturn in November 1980, this little probe will no doubt be an irritating annoyance to the otherwise private outer planets. As the Astrologers have been warning us for centuries - ever since a young patent clerk named Galileo turned his new "tele-scope" skyward and became the first Jovian paparazzi - the gas giants value their privacy, and do not appreciate our telescopic and robotic invasions.

And, thanks to the ingenious doings of certified brainiac Carl Sagan, we won't be able to claim innocence when the Jovian ire is enraged. The Voyager probe contains a gold record saying "Hello from Earth", complete with maps and diagrams and sounds so that the gas giants will have no doubt as to its origin.

We can only hope that the Astrologers will be able to keep the enraged outer planets at bay so that they will decide not to attack us with their asteroid arsenals.

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MARS HAS BEEN VISITED BY VISITORS!!!

SHOCKING NEWS!!

A top-secret photo has just been leaked from the Viking News Center at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory that you have to see to believe!!!

I've seen it, and I STILL don't believe what I'm seeing!!!

The Viking Orbiter found A MILE-WIDE FACE ON MARS that could only have been formed by alien intelligence:

The huge rock formation in the center, which resembles a human head, is formed by shadows giving the illusion of eyes, nose and mouth. The feature is 1.5 kilometers (one mile) across, with the sun angle at approximately 20 degrees.

The question, of course, is which alien intelligence?

My strong suspicion is on the Manthour of the Tau Ceti system. The face sort of looks like them. And we know that they've visited our humble system before, having wiped out their moon base during the faked non-landing of Apollo 13

Sure, it could be one of any number of alien visitors to our humble system, but my strong suspicions fall on the Manthour. This Mars Face-Base a very good reason to begin protecting ourselves NOW from what is obviously an imminent alien invasion. We need to begin seeding our atmosphere immediately with airplane trails of aluminum and barium salts, elements which are toxic to the Manthourian bio-composite invasion ships.

This chem-trail grid could be the only thing standing between us and complete annihilation.

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