Two days ago, I predicted that the syzygy between the nine planets and the undiscovered Comet Elenin would cause a Magnitude 6 earthquake in the Sumbawa Island region of Indonesia.
Sometimes I hate to be right, and this is one of those times. Sumbawa Island was rocked by a Magnitude 6.4 earthquake today.
I only hope that my warning was down-loaded from this ARPAnet node and telegraphed to Indonesia in time to warn the poor Sumbawese about the impending quake.
Thursday, March 11, 1982
Tuesday, March 09, 1982
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! (SYZYGY EDITION)
On March 10 - tomorrow - our solar system is about to become perilously unbalanced!
All of the nine planets - and a yet-to-be discovered comet named C/2010 X1 (Elenin) - are going to line up on one side of the Sun. The resulting disbalancement can and will be catastrophic for our planet! See for yourself by viewing the attached "graphic" image file (I apologize in advance for its size, and realize that it will take several hours to download over a 2600-baud modem, but this is important!)
As you can see, the planets and undiscovered comet are all on the same side of the Sun, a most dangerous form of syzygy. According to Dr. John Gribbin, author of The Jupiter Effect, the effects of this inbalanced gravity on our planet will be a veritable smorgasbord of natural disasters. Hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, you name it - one of these will happen tomorrow.
My prediction - and mind you, I could be wrong, as I tend to make my natural disaster predictions while drunk on grain alcohol and Clamato - is that there will be Magnitude 6 earthquake somewhere on our planet in the next 48 hours. Though I cannot say where with absolute certainty, my mind's eye is being drawn to Indonesia. Specifically, the Sumbawa Island region.
I could be wrong. I hope I am. But if not, I do hope the good people of Sumbawa will heed my warning and take cover!
Sunday, January 24, 1982
The Numbers Are About To Invade Our Homes!
Dangerous things are afoot, my friends. Dangerous!
At this year's Winter Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, technologist supergiants Commodore Business Machines introduced their new tool for infiltrating every American home in the United States with numerist indoctrination. They call this insidious little device the Commodore 64.
This "personal computer," as they like to call it, comes equipped with a whopping 65,536 bytes of random-access memory, or "RAM" as they like to call it. This is a ridiculous amount of computing power to put in the hands of the lay public. Worse, each and every one of those bytes will be filled with - guess what? - a number! Unsuspecting families all across this great land will have over 65 thousand numbers in their houses, available to randomly-access themselves at will!
There is, however, some good news. The rather pricey $595 sticker price of this Commodore 64 "personal computer" should keep it out of range of most families. Frankly, I don't see anybody buying this thing. My prediction -- Commodore Business Machines will sell a few thousand of these, tops. Tops!
This "personal computer," as they like to call it, comes equipped with a whopping 65,536 bytes of random-access memory, or "RAM" as they like to call it. This is a ridiculous amount of computing power to put in the hands of the lay public. Worse, each and every one of those bytes will be filled with - guess what? - a number! Unsuspecting families all across this great land will have over 65 thousand numbers in their houses, available to randomly-access themselves at will!
There is, however, some good news. The rather pricey $595 sticker price of this Commodore 64 "personal computer" should keep it out of range of most families. Frankly, I don't see anybody buying this thing. My prediction -- Commodore Business Machines will sell a few thousand of these, tops. Tops!
Sunday, January 03, 1982
A Tragesty of Justice in Arkansas!
U.S. District Court Judge William R. Overton has just handed down a whopper of a decision in a case that is surely to be known as the Trial Of The Century. For Arkansas.
As of now, the Arkansian Act 590, which required the balanced treatment of evolutionism and creationism in Arkansas public schools, is hereby deemed unconstitutional for violating the First Amendment's "establishment-clause", whatever the heck that is!
While this is a blow for academic freedom - and freedom in general, it's no reason for we in the alternative science community to despair. The case of McLean v. Arkansas only impacts Arkansas, after all, so we still have 49 potentially free states left in the union!
As of now, the Arkansian Act 590, which required the balanced treatment of evolutionism and creationism in Arkansas public schools, is hereby deemed unconstitutional for violating the First Amendment's "establishment-clause", whatever the heck that is!
While this is a blow for academic freedom - and freedom in general, it's no reason for we in the alternative science community to despair. The case of McLean v. Arkansas only impacts Arkansas, after all, so we still have 49 potentially free states left in the union!
Sunday, June 28, 1981
Happy Rapture Day, Everyone!
I do hope each and every one of you is wearing his and/or her Sunday Best today, for today is a special day!
Today is the day in which you will be raptured!
According to Bibleist and preacher Bill Maupin of Tucson, Arizona, today is the day of the Rapture when all good God-believing people will be whisked into the Heaven like helium balloons. Since I know for a fact that all of my readers are good God-believers, I can safely assume that this will include each and every one of you.
However - now is not the time to contract "senioritis" - or, more apt-ly, "rapture-itis." There are some important safety tips you must keep in mind as the rapturing-hour (12:00) approaches. Even though you will no longer have a need for your corporeal body as of noon o'clock, there are other non-saved heathens who may be depending on your body to be doing a thing at the time it is raptured, in which case its sudden transfiguration will be dangerous or even inconvenient. To prevent post-raptural misfortune, I hereby present the following Rapture Safety Tips:
Important Safety Tips For The Soon-To-Be-RapturedNow I know what you're thinking. "I'm going to Heaven -- why should I care what happens to the un-saved heathens once I'm gone?"
- If you regularly drive a car, do not be driving a car at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
- If you regularly drive a bus, do not be driving a bus at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
- If you regularly drive a train, do not be driving a train at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
- If you regularly pilot an airplane and/or helicopter, do not be piloting an airplane and/or helicopter at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
- If you regularly operate heavy machinery, do not be operating heavy machinery at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
- If you regularly smoke cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia, do not be smoking cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
- If you regularly work with radioactive materials, do not be working with radioactive materials at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
- If you do not regularly drive, pilot, operate, or radioact any of the above, please do not be doing any of the above at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
However, this is known as a Cosmic Trick Question. By putting others at risk of harm from your sudden lack of corporeal existence, you may be negating the very selflessness that got you on the Rapture list in the first place. My suggestion - stay home, don't smoke, and wait it out.
If you really want to be creative, you could try going to the roof of a moderately-tall building and jumping off a few seconds prior to noon. The sudden mid-air disappearance of your corporeal body might just prompt a few additional conversions among the crowd below as your bodyless articles of clothing flutter to the ground. Warning: Do not attempt unless you are really Christian or it will not work.
Well, that should cover the basic Rapture Day safety tips. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, readers!
Monday, December 08, 1980
Are Girls Better at Resisting Numerist Indoctrination?
In the daily struggle we humans face against the numbers as they are engaged in their daily effort to eradicate human existence from existence, it is not often that we encounter a good bit of news that tilts the scales of favor in our favor.
Yowza!
Today, however, a ray of sunshine has been shafted into our dark, dusky trenches in the form of a new study by several John(s) Hopkins University professors.
The good news? Girls are bad at math.
Camilla Benbow and Julian Stanley, Johns Hopkins University co-authors of the study, concluded from their data that "sex differences in achievement in and attitude toward mathematics result from superior male mathematical ability.
If these findings are correct, it may mean that the key to defeating the numbers may not be in the hands of we strong and powerful men, but rather in the weaker sex - women. Their natural abilities of resisting the arithmetical agenda may be the saving grace that saves our species from eventual defeat by the numbers.
The obvious course of action, of course, is to immediately and thoroughly disenroll all girls from math classes immediately and keep them safely isolated from mathematical influence in "safe" classes such as Home Economics, Literature, and Artistry.
Of course, the feminists and their ilk will object to such a course of action as "sexist" and "ill-conceived" and "bigoted" and other hateful epithets. Their efforts must be vehemently ignored. The survival of our species is at stake!
The Math Skeptic salutes the brave women who are resisting arithmetical propaganda and refusing to conform to the one-right-answer meristocracy of the scholarlied elites!
Friday, September 12, 1980
Epidemiologists Commit Mass Avicide!
Sometimes, science just goes too far.
Well, it does that all the time. But there are a handful of times when it really goes really too far. And in the worst of the worst cases, it is the innocent who suffer. It is of the aforehavingmentioned variety that is the case of which I now speak.
For in the name of the thoroughly theoretical theories of natural selection and germ theory that the scientists and epidemiologists and biologicians are committing mass avicide down in Florida.
In what some commentators are deeming an "orgy of Darwinian violence," more than 8,500 exotic birds, ranging from tiny innocent finches to hyperintelligent parrots have been mass extincted by a group of avicidal epidemiologists from the U.S. Department of Agriculture.
These pocket-protectored serial cullers claim that this drastic action is warranted due to a so-called outbreak of so-called Newcastle disease that threatened to spread to so-called poultry farms in the so-called Sunshine State. In other words, they mass-murdered the birds so a "disease" wouldn't kill other birds that were going to be killed anyway.
I find all of this highly dubious. Particularly that these jackbooted ornithuglogists were acting on the unproven and highly dubious germ theory of disease, when we know that diseases are really spread by evil spirits and bad humours. This outrageous action is an outrage, and I for one am outraged at the USDA for their outrageous action.
Leave the birds alone, Evil President Carter!
Well, it does that all the time. But there are a handful of times when it really goes really too far. And in the worst of the worst cases, it is the innocent who suffer. It is of the aforehavingmentioned variety that is the case of which I now speak.
In what some commentators are deeming an "orgy of Darwinian violence," more than 8,500 exotic birds, ranging from tiny innocent finches to hyperintelligent parrots have been mass extincted by a group of avicidal epidemiologists from the U.S. Department of Agriculture.
These pocket-protectored serial cullers claim that this drastic action is warranted due to a so-called outbreak of so-called Newcastle disease that threatened to spread to so-called poultry farms in the so-called Sunshine State. In other words, they mass-murdered the birds so a "disease" wouldn't kill other birds that were going to be killed anyway.
I find all of this highly dubious. Particularly that these jackbooted ornithuglogists were acting on the unproven and highly dubious germ theory of disease, when we know that diseases are really spread by evil spirits and bad humours. This outrageous action is an outrage, and I for one am outraged at the USDA for their outrageous action.
Leave the birds alone, Evil President Carter!
Saturday, August 16, 1980
Candidates, I Need To See Your Birth Certifications!
President Carter, Governor Reagan, and Whatever-You-Are Anderson,
Good evening, gentlemen. The Math Skeptic here. I congratulate all of you on your hard-fought nominations. Now that you have passed your party's nomination test, I have to ask you to pass the Math Skeptic test.
I need to see your birth certificates, candidates. I, and the American voting public, need to know that you are the genuine article, the real deal. We need to know that you are, indeed, human.
As we enter this exciting new decade, the threat of alien invasion is ever-present. The possibility is very real that the Manthour of Tau Ceti b or the dreaded Zarminians of the Gliese 581 system are attempting to weaken our defenses by putting one of their cloned human drones in the highest office of the most powerful nation on our planet.
Showing your Certification of Live Birth will prove to me and the rest of the electorate that you are one of us and not one of THEM.
Especially you, "President Carter." I'm still suspicious after Hairgate.
Good evening, gentlemen. The Math Skeptic here. I congratulate all of you on your hard-fought nominations. Now that you have passed your party's nomination test, I have to ask you to pass the Math Skeptic test.
I need to see your birth certificates, candidates. I, and the American voting public, need to know that you are the genuine article, the real deal. We need to know that you are, indeed, human.
As we enter this exciting new decade, the threat of alien invasion is ever-present. The possibility is very real that the Manthour of Tau Ceti b or the dreaded Zarminians of the Gliese 581 system are attempting to weaken our defenses by putting one of their cloned human drones in the highest office of the most powerful nation on our planet.
Showing your Certification of Live Birth will prove to me and the rest of the electorate that you are one of us and not one of THEM.
Especially you, "President Carter." I'm still suspicious after Hairgate.
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