The Multiplication Table They DON'T Want You To See

The all-pervading arithmeticonspiracy is perhaps best illustrated by the depths to which society has been invaded by that most irksome symbol of the One World Numeracy, the multiplication table. Every day in schools around the world, children as young as five can be found honing their sheep skills by memorizing these thoroughly meaningless matrices. This theory of multiplication has even invaded our popular culture, with the mathemagicians producing catchy cartoon jingles to indoctrinate impressionable youth.

What happens to those students who dare stray from the so-called "consensus" view? They are demonized, vilified, marked "incorrect," and in the worst cases left back a grade. Think about that for a minute. For daring to challenge authority, and asserting that there may be more than one interpretation of these so-called "times tables," students are DENIED their civil rights to continue their education.

Do you know what I call that? I call it DISCRIMINATION. It is an eggregious violation of the very founding principles of our great nation.

This handy alternate multiplication table deserves to be in every textbook and curriculum across the country. And now you can buy it on a T-shirt, mousepad, coffee mug, and many other fine products at The Math Skeptic Store!

You must DEMAND your rights as a Math Skeptic. You must DEMAND that your schools include alternate interpretations of the times table. You must DEMAND that you will no longer tolerate discrimination along computational lines.

Some fifty or perhaps ninety or even twelve years ago, a woman named Rosa Parks refused to change her bus seat in order to protest racial discrimination.

Today, you can be the Rosa Parks of mathematical discrimination.

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Celebrating 40 Years of Blogging Excellence (in Blogging)!

Wow! Time sure flies, doesn't it?

It seems like only yesterday that I was putting my first Hello, World post on my DARPA-net node, which later became a Usenet hub and an underground 'zine and a gopher site and finally this blog!

I'd just like to say thanks to my loyal readers who have been following me loyally for the past four decades, and hope that I can continue to entertain you all for the next forty years.

Or, at least, until 2038 when the UNIX date-stamp bug kills us all.

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The War For The Stars

I was aghast to learn that some of my readers are unaware of the centuries-old war between the Astrologers and the Astronomers for control of the Solar System. What are they teaching you people in school these days, besides homosexualism and evolution?

After an exhaustive evening of typing a few search terms on Google, I realized that there is little, if any, discussion of this ancient feud anywhere on the Internet, either. Upon reflection, this makes perfect sense. Both sides have good reason to cover it up, and thus they have both made Herculean efforts to remove all reference to it from the internet, as well as all world libraries and manuscripts.

For millennia, dating back to Babylonian times, the sky was the sole domain of the Astrologers. They were responsible for tracking the movements of the twelve planets in the sky and understanding their effects on our psyches and sex lives, but this was only part of their job. Less well-known is that they were responsible for pacifying the planets as well, lest they become angry and smite us with asteroids and bad lotto numbers.

And for many centuries, this arrangement worked out well. The Astrologers were revered, and the planets were kept pacified. Only occasionally would they throw a comet or solar eclipse our way to keep us in check.

Then, through the Middle Ages, some upstart Astronomers began moving in on the Astrologers' turf. In China, then India, then Persia and the Arab world - un-trained, non-Astrologers began gazing at the heavens and using new Number-based techniques such as calculus and trigonometry to predict the movements of celestial bodies. The Astrologers were understandably furious. All their hard work keeping the planets pacified was now being reduced to mere clockwork.

The conflict reached a boiling point in 1610 when a young and headstrong Italian patent clerk named Galileo Galilei began pointing a military spyglass towards the heavens and discovered the moons of Jupiter, an unconscionable invasion of the giant planet's privacy. The Astrologers could stand it no more, and declared War on the Astronomers. Working with their allies in the Catholic Church, the Astrologers had Galileo arrested for heresy and put to death for his crimes.

The Astrologers didn't stop there. Throughout the 17th Century, a great many Astronomers met their ends at the hands of the Astrologers' trained assassins - Tycho Brahe, Johannes Kepler, Taqi ad-Din Muhammad ibn Ma'ruf, the Huygens brothers, and countless others. The Astronomers fought back, using their sophisticated optical and calculation techniques to bombard the great Astrological Monasteries of the ancient world by trebuchet.

By the turn of the 18th Century, both sides were exhausted and most of the sky-observing world was in ruin. When a British geometry professor and hollow-Earth enthusiast named Edmond Halley proposed a truce between the two enemies, both the Astrologers and Astronomers eagerly came to the negotiating table. Thus in 1705, the Oxford Agreement was signed, granting both factions equal dominion over the heavens, so long as their areas of operation remained separate. The Astronomers would be allowed to observe and predict the motions of the stars and planets, and the Astrologers would be the planets' communicators and interpreters.

To commemorate the long-sought peace agreement after a century of brutal war, the Astrologers appealed to Jupiter and Saturn to ellipticize the orbit of a rogue comet that had randomly terrorized the Earth for centuries, which the Astronomers were then permitted to observe and document amid great fanfare. The comet was named for the peacebroker Edmond Halley, and since then has served as a reminder both of the truce between the skywatchers and the bloodshed that preceded it.

Today, I fear that both factions are inching towards conflict once again. The Astronomers are clearly seeking sole dominion of the skies, with their mountaintop telescopes and orbiting observatories. They have even sent robotic probes to view the outer planets close up, angering them immensely. The recent demotion of the planets Pluto, Ceres, and the Moon - and the Astronomers' consistent denial of the existence of the twelfth planet, Nibiru - has left our celestial neighbors and their Astrologer messengers positively furious. Asteroid "near misses" such as 2010 AL30, which just buzzed us today, are more than just warning shots - they are harbingers of what is to come.

Astronomers, be advised. You are playing with fire. I only hope that it is not too late to prevent a second War For The Stars.

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Bloomberg Catapults the Mathemagic Propaganda - AGAIN!

Once again, the "journalists" at Bloomberg - one of the largest co-conspirators in the Great Global Arithmetic Swindle - have done their duty to the addition overlords and reprinted a bunch of baseless allegations about our nation's jobless claims. Just look at the unproven unsubstantiations made in the second paragraph:

Initial jobless claims rose by 32,000 to 637,000 in the week ended May 9, from a revised 605,000 the prior week, the Labor Department said today in Washington.

What kind of fools do they take us for? Do they really expect us to believe that 637,000 is HIGHER than 605,000? What a joke. They probably justify this unproven claim by the further unfounded claim that 637,000 - 32,000 = 605,000. They, like all the other math propagandists out there, would like you to believe that "the debate is over" regarding the relative relationship between these three "numbers."

Well, here's a "news flash" for you, Bloomberg. It's not over. Because I'm debating it. If I'm debating it, how can it be over?

We Math Skeptics demand that Bloomberg issue an immediate correction to this story, and that they begin to represent alternative mathematical viewpoints in their articles.

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More Global Warming Mathemagic from NOAA

Well, the folks at NOAA (which is apparently short for Not Opposed to Arithmetical Ambiguity) have released yet another load of so-called "statistics" on the so-called "temperature anomaly" for the month of March, 2009. And, as predicted, the document presents numerous unfounded accusations about the state of the world's temperature. The global average land and sea temperature, according to NOAA, was 55.84 degrees Fahrenheit, a so-called anomaly of .94 degrees above the 20th century mean of 54.9 degrees.

Oh, really? According to whose math? NOAA's? Are we to just take their conclusions at face value, knowing full well that NOAA and NASA and the IRS and all those other government agencies are part of The Global Numerological Conspiracy?

I challenge NOAA to prove it. PROVE to us, the American taxpayers, that 55.84 is a HIGHER number than 54.9. PROVE it, NOAA! Show your work! Or do high-level governmentocospirator mathemagicians somehow get a pass when it comes to PROOF?

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Bernie Madoff: Just Another Alternative-Math Martyr

In just the latest example of the mathemagic-government conspiracy against alternative calculation beliefs, Bernard Madoff is now being sued for "fraud." And as usual, the liberal media has bought the math-lobby's cover story hook, line, and sinker.

This latest salvo against the math skeptic community has been launched by a group of so-called "victims" of Madoff's so-called "Ponzi scheme" who claim to have "lost" about 7 billion so-called "dollars." Yes, perhaps that's how it looks to the pencil-pushing accountants who willingly submit to the "consensus" math hegemony, but to we alternative-math believers Madoff's investment was a stellar success.

His "victims" profited handsomely in alternative-math terms, and the lawsuit being brought against Madoff by this sorry bunch of ingrates shows how deeply-entrenched the math conspiracy goes. Shame on you, Fairfield Greenwich! Shame on you for persecuting those who refuse to submit to "consensus" calculation.

FREE BERNIE MADOFF!

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EARTHQUAKE ALERT: ITALY

So I've been looking over some astronomicals here and encountered some shocking news. The to-be-discovered comet/possible orbiting space weapon C/2010 X1 (Elenin) is going to kinda sorta align with the red planet Mars tomorrow.

Mars, which is already angered by the robotic rovers trespassing on her ruddy red surface, is probably going to be so angered by this new transgression that it will throw an earthquake at us, with devastating results.

I know you're all questioning the same question: where is the earthquake going to hit?

My astrologer sources point to the small town of L'Aquila, in central Italy. Now I know what you're saying: science can't predict earthquakes. And you're right - it can't. But pseudoscience can. And I'm not the only pseudoscientist predicting this earthquake. Italian seismologer Giampaolo Giuliani predicted earlier this week that an earthquake of earth-shaking proportions would befall L'Aquila tomorrow, using his patented radon-detection techniques. Techniques, I should add, that have been summarily dismissed by lame-stream science for the ridiculous reason that they haven't been proven to work.

Are our predictions correct? Only time will tell. But I'm pretty sure this isn't a drill - it's the real deal.

You've been warned, town of L'Aquila, Italy! Take heed/precautions!

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Congress Caves In to the Numerist Agenda!

For more than 20 years now, the mathematicians and scienticians and assorted geeks in the nerd-o-sphere have been celebrating an unofficial secular sacrilegious holiday known as Pi Day every March 14th.

That is, it was unofficial until now. After what I can only assume was an elephantesimal lobbying effort by Big Arithmetic, Congress has gone and officially designated today as Pi Day for 2009.

This non-binding resolution just shows how pervasive the reach of the global scientifico-numeric cabal is in our government and society. As if it's not bad enough that we already celebrate a holiday named for a number on July 4th, but now we have to celebrate a holiday for an irrational number on March 14th.

Shame on you, Congress!

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