It Appears That We Have Apparently Not Learned Our Lesson

Human hubris, so it is said, knows no bounds. Barely three weeks after our planet was treated to a cosmic "warning shot" courtesy of asteroid 2005 YU55, we are continuing in our quest to antagonize our solar systemal neighbors.

The Mars Science Laboratory, nicknamed "Curiosity" by NASA managers, launched this morning on its journey to the red planet. The boring, lifeless red rocks found by the Viking landers and the Pathfinder rover and the Spirit and Opportunity rovers were not sufficient to satisfy astronomers' Barsoomian curiosity about the boring lifeless planet, so we just had to send one more probe just to be sure.

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Math and Black Friday: A Recipe for Corruption

Just when you thought it was safe to start the holiday season.

It's not bad enough that our sacred Christian traditions of consumerism and overconsumption are under attack every year from the atheist/other-religionist cabal in their annual War On Christmas. It now appears that the sacred Christian tradition of shopping on Black Friday is under attack by an even more insidious enemy: numbers.

The global arithmetic conspiracy is now trying to weasel their way in to the festivities by insisting that shoppers use math to inform their Black Friday purchases. They even recommend several "smart-phone" "applications" to help with the comparisoning.

This is an outrage! It isn't bad enough that retailers are engaging in the anti-capitalist practice of sales and discounts on Black Friday - the most insidious form of socialism known to man. Now the numberico-technological conspiracy is conscripting consumers as the foot-soldiers in the war on capitalism/Christmas by encouraging them to comparison-shop.

With the numbers invading our shopping traditions like this, it should come as no surprise that young women are attacking Xbox shoppers with pepper spray and that old men are stealing video game cartridges. The numbers are driving us to madness!

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Jupiter Fires a Warning Shot At Us

As you may have heard from the various media reports today, our planet was buzzed by a city-block sized asteroid today. The Earth-threatening asteroid 2005 YU55 passed a mere 201,000 miles from our planet, traveling at a mind-boggling 29,000 miles per hour. Were a rock this size to impact our planet, it would undoubtedly unleash a wave of destruction of Michael Bay special effect proportions.

While the global astronomical elites are happily patting themselves on their collective backs for "discovering" this asteroid far in advance of its close encounter with our planetary home, they are missing the big picture of the story.

It is obviously obvious that this asteroidal close call was nothing less than a warning shot by one of our solar system's gas giants. No doubt in retaliation for the various space-probes and robotical explorers we continue to use to annoy and antagonize them. The fact that 2005 YU55 did not strike us is no doubt due to skillful negotiation by the astrologers.

Thank you, astrologers, for once again saving us from hubris!

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We Must Not Allow A Shuttlecock Gap!

During my recent vacation from the blogosphere, I came very close to forgetting the problems of the world - economic collapse, astrological terrorism, the coming global superpocalypse of 2012, and the rise of the soon-to-be-former former Soviet Union. Then this terrifying video came to my attention, and I had to return from my vacation a few days early.

Prepare to be shocked, because this video is shocking!

As any fool can plainly see, Soviet President Dmitri Medvedev is extolling the virtues of badminton whilst engaging in a heated match against his arch frenemy, Soviet Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. While some international commentationists have dismissed this video cockery as part of the so-called bromance between sometime rivals Medvedev and Putin, but I see something rather sinister in this bit of KGB cock-play.

It is abundingly clear that Medvedev's display of shuttlecockery is nothing less than a set of marching orders to deep-underground spies and saboteurs across Russia and around the world, signaling the time when the Soviet Union will rise again and conquer the world - through badminton. And we in the United States, I fear, may not be up to the challenge.

This is of course, not to impugn the valiant efforts of our cockfighters on the front lines, brave men and women such as Howard Bach and Tony Gunawan and Eva Lee and Halim Haryanto Ho and Cee Ketpura. They will, I am sure, fight the oncoming Red Badminton Menace with the grace and skill we have come to expect from Team USA. But if my sources are correct and the Soviets are raising an entire army of Badmintonistas, I fear that our brave young men and women will be totally outnumbered.

That is, unless we close the Shuttlecock Gap. It is thus the patriotic duty of every American to set up a badminton net and get yourself some rackets and shuttlecocks and begin immediately training in the so-called "sport of cocks." If you don't improve your strokes, shots, and smash serves, you are a threat to national security.

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Indeniable Proof Of The Biologico-Scientifical Conspiracy!

A top-secret manifesto leaked to the Internet offers concrete, undisputable proof of the nationwide governmento-scientific cabal conspiring to force evolution education on the innocent schoolchildren of our nation. Created by the secretive and shadowy biologico-educational elites at the National Association of Biology Teachers, this so-called "memo" outlines the so-called "importance" of so-called "reaffirming" the so-called "teaching" of so-called "evolution" as part of the so-called "biology curriculum."

No doubt drafted in the secure and undisclosed catacombs of the NABT's elusive Allelo-Cave complex, the memo is quite clear in its support of well-studied and experimentally-demonstrated "explanations for the diversity of all life" such as common ancestry, natural selection, mutation, and genetic drift, leaving no room in the curriculospace for alternativistic views on the origin of life.

This nationwide cabal of biologicians makes their anti-alternatism stance abundantly clear in the top-secret memo, which was disseminated around the Darwinsphere after its disclosure:

Evolutionary biology rests on the same scientific methodologies the rest of science uses, appealing only to natural events and processes to describe and explain phenomena in the natural world. Science teachers must reject calls to account for the diversity of life or describe the mechanisms of evolution by invoking non-naturalistic or supernatural notions, whether called “creation science,” “scientific creationism,” “intelligent design theory,” or similar designations. Ideas such as these are outside the scope of science and should not be presented as part of the science curriculum.

There you have it, folks. Concrete proof of the nationwide and therefore worldwide conspiracy to prevent the teaching of alternativistic and unproven hypotheses in science classrooms, in blatant violation of the principles of free speech and free expression we hold so dear.

True, the NABT may be standing on the side of the debate with all the evidence, but they're also standing on the side of not-freedom, which is a far more provocative buzzword. Which demonstrates exactly why we alternativists should not give up hope.

We will prevail in time, my friends. Because FREEDOM!

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The Numbers Have Invaded Our National Past-Time!

The sport of baseball has always had a too-close-for-comfort relationship with numbers, as far as I'm concerned. Any sport that can reduce a human player's performance and talent to a series of numbers such as batting average and slugging percentage and earned-run average is already too deep in the pocket of Big Digit for my tastes.

However, this was apparently not enough for the numbers. According to a recent investigative report, mathematics now seeks to control the outcome of the baseball's playoffs - the very thing that makes the mindless tedium of the 162-game season remotely bearable. It appears that The American League Championship Series between whatever teams are currently competing for the AL pennant - I'm guessing it's the Yankees and the Red Wings or something, I didn't bother to actually read the article - hinges entirely on simple mathematics.

This is something I have suspected for a long time, as a matter of fact. It seems more than just random chance that EVERY World Series winner in the past century has finished with exactly four wins. There must be something sinister going on - it can not be a mere coincidence. The numbers are obviously trying to use the national pastime to bring us down from the inside.

Well I, for one, won't let it happen. Until the once-great sport of baseball rids itself of its numeristic tendencies, I shall continue to not really care about it.

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The Last Act Of A Desperate Math

In another bit of evidence of the endemic corruption of the Great Global Mathematical Conspiracy, students are now being bribed with the promise of a free iPod to learn math

Bribed!

The obvious conclusion is that the arithmetelligencia is all out of ideas for indoctrinating the youth of today with their Answerist doctrine. Now I hate to toot my own horn most of the time, but in this instance I think most of the credit goes to me.

It is blindingly obvious that our message of academic freedom and the inherent fallibility of numbers is making a resonance in the young community. As leader of the worldwide Math Skeptic community, the credit for this must certainly belong to me. But also to you.

So merci beaucoup, Math Skeptic Community!

The Geologicians Are Rifting Scared!

In a frank and tepid admission of impending defeat, Steven Newton of the National Center for Science Indoctrination recommends that the Geological Society of America (GSA) continue allowing alternative interpretations of geology into their prestigious geology conferences. Held annually in the ivory tower of the GSA's top-secret Fortress of Geolitude, these conferences allow the leading members of the geologico-evolutionalist conspiracy to set their rock and fossil agenda for the coming year.

In recent years, a number of legitimate geologists who don't adhere to the 4.57-billion year timeline of Earth's history (as pushed by conventional geologists and radioisotopes) have been giving presentations at these prestigious conferences. These so-called "Creationists" have been rubbing elbows - literally - with some of the top members of the old-Earth consensus-pushing igneousati and by thus gaining secondhand prestigiousness.

This, as you might expect, has the members of the Worldwide Geological and Evolutionistic Cabal up in arms - literally. Some argue that these so-called "Young Earth Creationists" should be thrown from the ivory tower - literally falling to their deaths on the schist and gabbro cliffs below. Others argue that this will literally make martyrs of the alternative geologists.

It appears that this is creating a rift that threatens to cleave the Geologists in two. Moreover, it throws all of geologicalist science into doubt. If the geologists cannot agree on what to do with infiltrating creationists, how can they possibly agree on the age of the Earth?

Literally!

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